Planning Ahead for Zombie and/or Vampire Epidemics/Pandemics, or, as I prefer to call them: Zamdamnemics. Yes, I do believe I've another worthy submission for Webster.
[you can never be TOO careful or TOO prepared!] (or CAN you?)
NO, Stoopid-you CAN'T!
It's essential to read the whole manual prior to using any of the tips and techniques included. Promise me you will do that? If not, STOP READING NOW. I can't tell you how I'll know, but I'll know.
1. WEAR your heart on your sleeve!
Even Zombies and Vampires know instinctively that regular LIVE humans can't do this, and they will pass you right on by.
2. Do this step BEFORE attempting #1. Associate yourself with as many Hunters, Farmers, Butchers, and (human) Serial Killers as you can.
*If you do this right, you can always have a deep freezer FULL of hearts that BELONG to you (see #1), but were never exACtly PART of your OWN personal, EXTREMELY vital internal organs.
3. Gas and solar powered GENERATORS: They're not just for hurricanes anymore!
*see #2 re: Armageddon freezers
4. If you drink heavily and don't bathe regularly, you can blend in with the Zombie hordes. Just PRETEND to eat rotting flesh. If you don't have a strong stomach, feel free to vomit, as this odor can only ADD to your Zombie allure. Tip: Save old vomit in a small perfume atomizer and spray your clothing and hair whenever your Zombie scent wears off.
5. If looting becomes necessary, hit the pharmacies FIRST! If you wanna survive you're gonna NEED all the anti-nausea medication you can carry. I advise procuring a fanny pack designed to look like some sort of dead animal. You can keep your emergency supplies (meds, crayons, condoms, vomit spray, ear and nose plugs, Funyuns, cyanide tablets, tazer, extra body parts, etc.) in it, worn underneath your filthy Zombie costume.
6. Loot liquor stores next (see #4). Better yet, make your hidey hole in a concealed liquor store basement.
7. Even BETTER yet again, build an underground shelter BEFORE the apocalypse. Fully stock it with MREs, water, liquor, vitamins, chickens, Paula Deen, toothbrush, toilet paper, and your Meth lab supplies, because you're gonna need a pick-me-up every once in a while, those weeks when it's not safe to sleep.
8. Human and Zombie decoys, plain and animated. Self explanatory.
*Contrary to popular belief- RSV canNOT be transmitted from a Zombie to a Lifer. However, Lifers may transmit sickness TO Zombies. They can't be killed, but a Zombie who can't stop coughing can't bite as well, and a Zombie with diarrhea is so gross that his fellow Zombies will actually destroy him FOR you, tearing him limb from limb, burying his head twenty feet deep, and using the arms and legs as clubs with which they beat the torso until it is flat enough to use as a doormat. Why? Easy. Zombies don't RSVP, but they always wipe their feet before coming inside.