Hardly Evil at All

I bet if you took all the evil people in the world and laid them end to end (but not in any dirty kind of way), you would be surprised to find that not one of them was Me.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

2012 in True Moments/Stories (that we're not particularly proud of)

I'll go first, since I'm the professional here. 
*Fell asleep WHILE eating a cup of Moollenium Crunch Ice Cream.  Vaguely remember waking up several times, REALIZING what I had done, and then alternating my sleep-attempts to clean up with my (apparently stronger) sleep-attempts to FINISH the ice cream.  I mean, even asleep, I maintain a very strong commitment to NEVER WASTING ICE CREAM.
King-sized bed covered with pecans, chocolate chunks, melted ice cream.  Also caught in the crossfire were: cell phone,TV remote, notebook, NetBook, THREE extension cords, electric blanket, books... Moral of the Story? I don't want to be remembered as the woman whose cause of death was:  Electrocution due to falling asleep while eating Moollenium Crunch ice cream, and simultaneously breaking nearly every electrical (and "other") safety recommendation ever made.

Monday, December 17, 2012

DARE to Keep Your Child Safe at Home

Keep your child or children Safe at Home at least one day this week.

Can we all, as citizens of the United States of America (and not only parents of school-aged children), put aside our differences for a moment and agree that our tax money should be used to KEEP our children SAFE at the public educational institutions we are involuntarily forced to fund and, if we can't afford otherwise, forced to physically entrust with our children during their elementary and secondary educational years?

FUCK Standardized Testing!  Please pardon the profanity; its intent is to add emphasis, and not to offend.  It is inspired by the sense of extreme helplessness and hopelessness many of us experience each day as we send the children we love more than anything in the world off into places that are inherently fraught with various dangers, albeit usually on a much less sensational scale.

As a nation, we have pretty much collectively given up on our public school systems.  Many have turned to homeschooling or, if they can scrape the money together, enrolled their own children in carefully selected private schools.  These critical choices are typically based on a combination of fear for Safety, and a disappointment at the "quality" of education currently produced in the public system.  I'll not waste time or energy here on the reasons our schools are "failing" as graded on current methods of academic assessment, because that means less than NOTHING to us when compared with our desire to keep children safe.
I know that our Students do not feel Safe at School.
I know that our Teachers do not feel Safe at School.
And I KNOW that we PARENTS share all those fears, and then some.

Teachers cannot TEACH children they can't PROTECT.

If you or I go to certain public buildings, we are automatically required to go through one or more security checks, including walking through and/or being "wanded" by metal detectors, having our belongings searched, and being physically frisked.  We accept this.

Why have we not demanded a minimum standard of security for the youngest citizens of our country?  Simply having metal Detectors, CAREFULLY screened Security Officers, protocols, and prepared TEAMS in place just might help PREVENT (or at least cut short) some COMPLETELY unpredictable, unforgettable, and UNFORGIVABLE tragedies!  Do you feel like asking me:  But where will the money come from?  To that, I reply:  I DON'T CARE where they get it!  Let them figure it out, or let you and me do it ourselves.  There's an awful lot of money wasted in our current systems, and we ALL know it.  Money is NOT the issue. 

NO school can teach children they cannot protect!

Some of us are going to make a loud noise this week.  Join us, if you DARE!
For most, these are the last school days before the yearly winter break.
DARE to Keep YOUR CHILDREN SAFE AT HOME, on one or more of these days, both as a SilentTribute (moment/day of Reflection and Prayer) to the lives lost and horrors endured,  and as a LOUD MESSAGE to the people who decide how each dollar of OUR money earmarked for the education of children is spent.  Then, explain, in very specific terms) to EVERYONE (from teacher's assistants, janitors, nurses, students, teachers, principals, secretaries, superintendents, boards of education, other parents, bus drivers, truant officers, and as far up the hierarchy you can get- preferably to a national level) WHY you believe this action was necessary, and WHAT we want, no, what we DEMAND be initiated in order to create a safer environment for our nation's children, who are, lest we forget this component, REQUIRED by LAW to spend a great deal of time in what we are now forced to admit are grossly unprepared, and potentially lethally unsafe institutions of learning.


We beg you to make attempts to protect the children we entrust to your care, while at the institutions you oversee. 
I would rather have children that can't even read than children that are threatened, harmed, or fearful for their lives and their safety while at school.

A Voter Who is Watching and Waiting

The (original)H.I.T. Squad

*This was previously written due to the discovery that I had developed a new condition (currently un-funded, un-researched, and definitely un-resolved) that I would prolly call Insomnia with Inappropriate Somnalist Characteristics, except that I CAN'T officially name it that because my "smart" phone won't acknowledge or offer spelling suggestions for the second word, which I'm pretty sure is a REAL word, because I'm SLEEPY, not STOOOPID!
Anyway, SAVE IT to read every time you can't sleep!  It will most likely cure your own insomnia FOREVER!
*If only I could solve my own problems as easily and effortlessly as I can fix the problems of the rest of the world*

The (original)H.I.T. Squad

Can't sleep?
Apply to be a charter member of the Heroic Insomniacs Team!
Join the H.I.T. squad tonight, and sleep better...or...not... whatever...no guarantees or anything.
We have LOTS of ideas about what you could or should be doing with all those otherwise WASTED hours! 
Watch pig races!  (Alternately, raise and race pigs yourself! It's fun, probably.)
Search out sad, lonely, even unfortunate-looking, losers on facebook and give them either a ray of hope and sunshine in their lives or at least an interesting cyber-stalker story to tell!
Tweet!  As in, on Twitter.  Does it really matter if no one reads your tweets?  No, it does not.  If a tree tweeted in the forest, it still would have tweeted, right?  (ANSWER: yes, of course! Unless the tree was LYING, and trying to take credit for the noise a BIRD made, which just goes to show you that Trees cannot be trusted!)
Stalk, and then befriend a cop.  Then, introduce me to that new friend and then I'll have a cop friend, just what I've ALWAYS wanted!
(Happy *EVERY HOLIDAY*, Me!)

P.S. We're only tired because 2% of the people in the world are responsible for 99% of its great ideas and awesomeness!

Saturday, December 8, 2012

I don't know WHY Juan was in search of the exotic creatures I'd never heard of, but I tried to help anyway, because I'm a good friend of his and all, of course.

Meet the devil at the Crossroads (the one with Belk and Pet Smart-it's in Gulfport) at the witching hour (you'll have to use Google if you don't already know what time that is, because I don't know, either).  Last time I was s'posed to meet him, he'd scrawled NOBODY STANDS UP THE LORD OF EVIL (all caps) in what appeared to be blood, across the parking lot. He tweeted the same, as a warning to others not to screw up their one and only chance by being late!  What a monkey-sack Satan can be when he's on his period!  Don't try to make an appointment.  He doesn't take appointments. He's ALWAYS at the Crossroads at the witching hour.  I personally think he's stalking somebody that works that shift. Brush up on your Satanity first by watching Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny, Little Nicky, and the second season of Barney (it MUST be the bootleg, UNedited version).  Following him on Twitter is another way to catch on to one of his "mood swings" before it has the chance to affect your well-being. He'll usually start by challenging you to a fiddling (with violins) contest, but you can negotiate that down to a Drum-Off if you already have your own equipment there and set up, and offer to let him borry it when it's his turn. Then the two of you calmly discuss the terms of your competition.   Bring a Notary Public, an attorney you can trust (but wouldn't necessarily MISS if they are accidentally incinerated) and your prepared contract with every detail spelled out.  Do NOTHING until you obtain his legal signature!  If there's ONE thing I know for sure about the devil, it's that he ALWAYS be looking for a loophole!  He didn't earn the nick: SneakySneaky by chance. Oh, and Juan, make sure before you go this far that those weird worms you want are worth the risk! P.S. Disregard ALL that helpful advice I just gave you!  I had totally forgotten for a moment that you've got the devil on your speed dial.  Just text him!
Good luck to you and tell the devil Enchiladas says: heeeeeyy!

Friday, December 7, 2012

A Dear Juan Letter

Dear Juan,
Thank you so much for taking good care of my Pedro yesterday.  Do you have ANY idea how many times I've had to leave work early to stitch a finger or toe back on that man?!    
I do believe that his first English words (after: I love you, Will you marry me?& Do you know how Green Cards work?) were: Help! Please! I believe I have severed one or more phalanges! Yes, of course he said phalanges, because he's EDUCATED, just accident prone.
With loving friendship,

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Hot Bath or Hot (edible) Meal? Because you ain't gettin' both today!

I SO wish I could pretend today's the first time this kind of thing has happened to me..
Doesn't everbody just love taking hot baths, playing on their phone, and listening to their favorite music fairly loudly, and having their BREAKFAST/DINNER hot from the oven when they get out?  I thought SO!  Oh, and I meant when you get out of the bathtub, not when YOU get out of the OVEN!  Y'all crazy!
Y'all know how you let some of the water out and add more hot to "refresh" the water as it cools off, and all the while you're risking possible death by electrocution by using an extension cord to run both your Phone or tablet AND your speakers as you're busily checking your email and fb pages and catching up on whut-all everbody else has got going on, and whether the corporation your job is owned by is being investigated for fraud and whut-not, and if anybody you know has died and/or been arrested lately?  Also, whether any of the inventions you've been designing  have already BEEN invented so you don't waste your time, and your Dad's time, welding machine, and blow torch re-inventing the wheel.
And eventually you remember that your smoke detectors are not currently operable, and that your tub is somewhat sealed off by not just one, but TWO, tightly closed doors, and that friendly neighbors, malicious sanitation guys, Mormons or Jehovah's Witnesses (no offense intended, they are just more likely than Baptists and Catholics to happen to be canvassing your neighborhood at any given time), your local door to door crack salesman, or ANYBODY at all, (because your front door leads right into the kitchen area AND is made up of like 50% unfrosted glass panels, which, of course is why you cain't walk around the house nekkid no more when you're alone and you really should've done the laundry WEEKS ago, and the laundry room is on the same route) might notice smoke or fire a looong time before YOU do, and call the fire department because they don't have your number (and also you never even set a ringtone because you NEVER use the phone for actual TALKING out loud anymore, and it's on Perma-Silent, a ringtone name I JUST invented- BIG shout-out to adult onset ADHD! And a giant YOU'RE WELCOME to the Whole Entire Rest of the World!), your music (lovely taste in music, by the way) is far too loud to hear a doorbell or knocking. Worst case scenario: DEATH!  Duh.
But much more likely scenario: your cast iron skillet full of lovingly prepared yellow grits and scrambled eggs  has turned into something else entirely:  Yellow Grits and Egg Bread Patty Cake Omelet Thing.  If you cain't eat it, you must destroy it, or disguise it so that the one who cared enough to make it never knows you ruined it.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Arson should be illegal, and it probably is.

Well, Shell-Frie, YOU don't get to tell ME who I can and canNOT threaten on Facebook! At least, not if you still want that Amateur Arson Kit I'm making you for Christmas. P.S. For anyone who's interested in purchasing one of these kits from me, OR if you are the Police, let me assure y'all that it's not a REAL arson kit, just a novelty type decorative gift with absolutely NO capacity whatSOever of creating a single spark, much less an act of ACTUAL arson, which is both morally wrong AND highly illegal in most parts of the United States, even in the WaaaaayDownSouth! Additionally, even though it's COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY, we include a quite powerful fire extinguisher in every kit! Also included: an assortment of one hundred reminder magnets and post-its to place all around your home. They fit in beautifully with most home decor, and feature the number to 911, so you'll be ready in case you are the type to panic when you need the number! We do NOT provide smoke detectors. That is YOUR own responsibility as a consenting adult. Unless you aren't an adult in the first place. We REFUSE to sell to minors, on principle. On second thought, if you ever experience a REAL fire threat, FIRST grab the nearest post-it or magnet on your way out of your house or tent! Unless you're nekkid, in which case grab the closest thing to cover up with first. If you're single and looking, always wear flattering lingerie to bed, just in case, but particularly if you have a "premonition" that you may need rescuing at any particular time. There are even Fire Fighter Pimp Specialists (no, not THAT kind of pimp) who can somehow manage to obtain the work shift schedules for your local fire department, with quite reasonable fees, or so I've heard. Obviously the best time for these "premonitions" is when your favorite's on the truck! Invest in those real firefighter calendars (local ones). And, should you be planning a move, check the firefighter situation before investing any money on it. I'm too sleepy now to go all back to the beginning and remember why I wrote this. Good day to you all, sirs and madams. And Good NIGHT to Me.

Pirates, Cats, Games, and the INDOMITABLE Johnny Depp

Additional "domestic" animals can be justified if you explain that you are getting them so that other pets and/or children in your household won't be bored (that's how we acquired Jagger!).   And this particular kitty has an extensive resume of making any other animals (and/or children) around look like ANGELS by comparison!  
(LIGHT BULB!) I propose we start a version of Chain Letter, but we'll call it: Pass The Kitty!  Only have to find either 12 or (preferably) 52 famblies to participate.  Jagger spends a specified segment (one week versus one month) of a year with each Fambly.
By the time each Fambly PASSES the KITTY, they will have learned so many valuable lessons that it will be well worth the danger faced by participating in the "game" in the first place.
First essential basic guideline to establish: Exactly WHOSE homeowner's insurance will be responsible in the event of the inevitable injuries, theft, destruction of property, and/or arson that are all but guaranteed (Players, BEWARE, as the old saying goes, except with Pirates, and Johnny Depp!).