Hardly Evil at All

I bet if you took all the evil people in the world and laid them end to end (but not in any dirty kind of way), you would be surprised to find that not one of them was Me.

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Sunflower, a.ka. Second Ninja in Charge of Snakes

Have you thought about embracing the trend of rattling your Snake?  Today's young snakes are totally into getting safety pin piercings.  Then, you, as the Boss of Snake, just attach whatever you want.  You can use Snake's attire to coordinate your home's decor (or your jammies!), or you can decorate it for holidays.  In your case, you can make it rattle for your convenience!
If you choose to place multiple piercings, you and your snake can wear matching ensembles (see My Snake and Me catalog), and enter contests.  It is best to continue using low-temp hot glue guns to attach their hats and wigs.
Once you've committed to this alternative lifestyle, the most important thing to remember is to protect your well-dressed Snake.  Other, less-fortunate, snakes will be envious, and may attempt to mug your beloved Snake in order to steal its fashions.

Do not allow Snake to wander alone in the ghetto at night.  Teach Snake not to boast about all the additional wardrobe treasures kept at home.  Such behavior is known to push more delinquent snakes over to the darker side, and they are likely to be unable to resist temptation.
While I am sure that gangs of un-armed, non-poisonous snakes are far from the top of the lists of most dangerous home invaders , I am equally sure that they are WAY up there on the list of SCARIEST THINGS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!  Little Known Fact: most suicides by cyanide tablet can be directly attributed to this very occurrence.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

If I Were God, Even More People Would Hate Me

Poor Little Paula
For everyone who is not ashamed to openly demonstrate support for Paula Dean during her "trying times"

First, Paula has more supporters than you or I EVER dreamed of having.  She does not need either of us. 
Now, please show us that you also support people who do need it.  I'm sure it's there, just not as obvious.  If you wouldn't mind, please point it out for us.
Although I treasure all of our rights to free expression, we must also respect the right to the expression of dissent.  I am unable to understand the (what I consider to be) misguided support of people who DO NOT NEED US.  Because they don't need us!
The realization that so many people openly prioritize this way makes my stomach churn.  I wonder if it's just another bad dream, and I feel like throwing up, as I watch and mourn the tangible disappearance of humanity from the human race.  I feel we need to apologize to each other, and to God, but I know that even this falls short.
How did we become a society that pledges allegiance to celebrities instead of reaching out to help a few of the legions of the Ignored that God deliberately places in our paths...   

Contrary to the way it must look, I don't enjoy being the bad guy.  I don't want explanations, and I'm unmoved by excuses.  For now, I have watched and read all I need to about Paula. 
Because this isn't about Paula; it's about the rest of us, how we don't know how to think, or even feel, for ourselves anymore.  We sign up with the celebrity golden idol "underdog" of the moment, letting pack mentality rule us, rather than daring to stand up alone for something, anything at all, that really, really matters.

May God have mercy on us all. 
If I were God, I wouldn't...

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Your Baby Daddy's Parents: Are our uptight roots showing? Or, have WE just grown up?

We always wondered what would be the straw that broke the Reluctantly Acceptant Camel's back, and it's Terminology.  Words.  Definitions.  Language is how we interact and assign meaning and purpose to our lives.  This came as a bit of surprise to us, especially considering the amount of enjoyment we derive from using "words" like acceptant, which is as a fine dark chocolate on our tongues, but may not be an actual word, and is likely responsible for causing others to enjoy no small amount of supreme annoyance when they encounter it... But, this really isn't about us.
Truth versus real-time fiction crafted out of false claims, wishful thinking, and an irrational sense of equality, importance, and entitlement.
Alas, we have grown weary of the couple of generations of (if you go by age) adults who expect the rest of us to blithely pretend alongside them as they play their grown-up version of HOUSE.
We don't care how long you've been "together" or how many babies you have or haven't unleashed on the world.  If you're not MARRIED, your Baby Daddy's parents are not your FUCKING inlaws.
Wait.  That's exactly what they ARE!  They're your "FUCKING" inlaws. 
Congratulations.  On FUCKING.  You must be good.
We can't begin to fathom how proud those fucking inlaws must be, simply knowing their adult child figured out how to have sex.  Maybe y'all can "do it" on America's Got Talent.  Or try out for So You Think Can Fuck or Fucking With the Stars.

My Sister Is My Landlady

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

One Set of Footprints

My Promise to You:  I Will Always Be With You

I know there have been times when you felt isolated,
forsaken, and alone.
I know you've been hurt,
And don't trust easily.

Even when you didn't see me,
I was always there with you.

Look carefully at this picture.
That's you, alone,
walking on the beach.

Even when you didn't see me,
I was always there with you.

Look at this one.
There you are,
looking back
over your shoulder
at a single set of footprints.

Even when you didn't see me,
I was always there with you.

There you are,
Sitting at water's edge,
Your face in your hands,
Tears mixing with ocean.

Even when you didn't see me,
I was always there with you.

See the doubt and discouragement
plain on your face.

Even when you didn't see me,
I was always there with you.

I witnessed every trouble,
Every stumble.
Every tear.

Even when you didn't see me,
I was always there with you.

When you almost gave up,
When you stood resolute.

Even when you didn't see me,
I was always there with you.

When you stayed awake all night,
Too sad or scared to close your eyes.

Even when you didn't see me,
I was always there with you.

My dear, dear Friend,
I PROMISE I was there.
And I can prove it.

Who'd you THINK took all these pictures?!

Friday, June 14, 2013

How Does Your Garden Grow?

As the prices of just about EVERYTHING seem to be rising rapidly, more and more people are turning to home gardening to save money.   If our bottled water and cigarette crops do well, we might even be able to afford to buy vegetables later this year!

Thanks for Making Me Feel Even Crazier, Cake

This cake left me feeling lost and confused.  And I have always considered myself pretty good at Cake.

I recognized Ewan MacGregor right off.  I can't figure out why the Gremlin is holding a weapon. 
The extra Darth Vader (or maybe it's Batman?), is he trying to HELP the fallen Battle Droid by adjusting his neck, something he learned as a chiropractor's apprentice, or snap his neck?

There are 3 3CPOs?  Or, are those R2D2s? I can tell them apart- I just forget which one is the round, flashy, spinny robot, and which is the Android Bot who walks on two legs like people.

Where is Princess Leah?  Oh, yeah, witness protection because of all the bad guys!  Probably wearing a princess Leah, giant head COSTUME, and working the Star Wars on Ice circuit.

I will eventually need protection FROM the witness protection program because I am so good at figuring out who's all in the program, and where they're hiding and working under their new identities.

There's an R2D2 in the back left that seems to be representing hard for Heinz Ketchup.

And there's one battle Droid in a Tony the Tiger costume.

Cake has never left me feeling so empty inside...

Monday, June 10, 2013

Why I Made This Crappy Picture of a Candle in the First Place

It's better to draw a mediocre picture of a candle yourownself than to curse because you don't have a picture of a candle.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

The Terrible Thing That Happened Early This Morning A.K.A. Why I Screamed and jumped out of bed and Ran out of the house, nearly suffering a completely unnecessary fatal heart attack, AND also I reveal WHOSE fault it was.

Act One

Where I was:  on my own bed.

Who was there:  just me

When it was:  Saturday, before sunrise

What I was doing:  trying to distract myself from a long day of relentless, excruciating pain by watching a Dexter mini-marathon, desperately hoping pain would go away so I could celebrate with my friends Saturday, using laptop to work on birthday card, and waiting for MOTL to get home from gig.

What happened:  MOTL got home, took shower and returned.  My position and activity were unchanged. 

What happened next:  MOTL started to crawl onto bed from the foot, suddenly recoiled, looking at a spot behind me and yelled OH MY GOD HOLY SHIT!

What I did:  screamed, jumped straight up and out of the bed, heading towards door.

What happened to my laptop, cords, cell phone:  I don't know where they landed.

What it was:  (apparently, because I did not stick around for the extermination process) a giant millipede.

What it COULD have been:  snakes, spiders, scorpions, just about anything at all, except I knew it couldn't be a zombie, unless Flat Stanley is Zombie Flat Stanley now.

How long I hyper-ventilated:  it's not exactly the kind of thing you take the trouble to time.

If I wanted to relocate immediately:  YES

Why I freaked out again once I had almost calmed down:  There will ALWAYS be another [insert undesirable object of your choice].

When I was finally able to go to sleep:  Sometime after 7am.

***What I missed out on because of illness [can't blame the millipede.  Don't get me wrong, a lot of things were his fault, but not this]: spending my friend's birthday with her***

Act 2
(Later that Same Day)
Where I was:  Exactly the Same Spot on my bed.
Doing:  Almost exactly the same thing, sitting up on bed, writing.
Entering the room to scare the shit out of me this time- NOBODY.

What happened anyway:  I looked to my left and saw a BIG spider about 6 inches away from me, being very still and dangerous, waiting for the perfect moment to attack.

What I did: moved slowly to my right, keeping spider in my line of vision.  Assessed weaponry at hand.  Remote controls, cell, paper towels.  Chose paper towels because of the disposable factor.  Spider got away.
Plan to change to all white bedding and clothing, sleep in shifts, wonder if it's possible to sleep in a skin diving outfit, especially since I'm so hot-natured.  Decide to sleep in shifts.

Hope MOTL naps on his commute home so he can grab the first AWAKE shift.  Will text him.