The Terrible Thing That Happened Early This Morning A.K.A. Why I Screamed and jumped out of bed and Ran out of the house, nearly suffering a completely unnecessary fatal heart attack, AND also I reveal WHOSE fault it was.

Act One

Where I was:  on my own bed.

Who was there:  just me

When it was:  Saturday, before sunrise

What I was doing:  trying to distract myself from a long day of relentless, excruciating pain by watching a Dexter mini-marathon, desperately hoping pain would go away so I could celebrate with my friends Saturday, using laptop to work on birthday card, and waiting for MOTL to get home from gig.

What happened:  MOTL got home, took shower and returned.  My position and activity were unchanged. 

What happened next:  MOTL started to crawl onto bed from the foot, suddenly recoiled, looking at a spot behind me and yelled OH MY GOD HOLY SHIT!

What I did:  screamed, jumped straight up and out of the bed, heading towards door.

What happened to my laptop, cords, cell phone:  I don't know where they landed.

What it was:  (apparently, because I did not stick around for the extermination process) a giant millipede.

What it COULD have been:  snakes, spiders, scorpions, just about anything at all, except I knew it couldn't be a zombie, unless Flat Stanley is Zombie Flat Stanley now.

How long I hyper-ventilated:  it's not exactly the kind of thing you take the trouble to time.

If I wanted to relocate immediately:  YES

Why I freaked out again once I had almost calmed down:  There will ALWAYS be another [insert undesirable object of your choice].

When I was finally able to go to sleep:  Sometime after 7am.

***What I missed out on because of illness [can't blame the millipede.  Don't get me wrong, a lot of things were his fault, but not this]: spending my friend's birthday with her***

Act 2
(Later that Same Day)
Where I was:  Exactly the Same Spot on my bed.
Doing:  Almost exactly the same thing, sitting up on bed, writing.
Entering the room to scare the shit out of me this time- NOBODY.

What happened anyway:  I looked to my left and saw a BIG spider about 6 inches away from me, being very still and dangerous, waiting for the perfect moment to attack.

What I did: moved slowly to my right, keeping spider in my line of vision.  Assessed weaponry at hand.  Remote controls, cell, paper towels.  Chose paper towels because of the disposable factor.  Spider got away.
Plan to change to all white bedding and clothing, sleep in shifts, wonder if it's possible to sleep in a skin diving outfit, especially since I'm so hot-natured.  Decide to sleep in shifts.

Hope MOTL naps on his commute home so he can grab the first AWAKE shift.  Will text him.