Hardly Evil at All

I bet if you took all the evil people in the world and laid them end to end (but not in any dirty kind of way), you would be surprised to find that not one of them was Me.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

What I Hope I've Already Taught My Daughters

Find out who you are before somebody else decides for you. Instincts are not accidental. They are a protective mechanism. They may not always be easy to understand; they may sometimes be wrong. But they should never be ignored. Don't trust any person who agrees with you ALL the time. No matter what is happening, it can always get better, or worse. Sometimes it's up to you. Sometimes it's not. You can practice kindness without allowing others to treat you like a doormat. It is hard to respect others if you don't like and respect yourself first. Don't keep your good works secret. Learn to inspire others without bragging. No one on Earth is perfect, but each has something to teach you, even if the lesson is what NOT to do.
Smile at babies! Maybe there's a Smile Bank in our brains. Your freely given smile may be a crucial investment in a child's future emotional, behavioral, and mental health. Never be too busy to take hold of a hand that reaches for yours. Always say WHO' S THERE, no matter how many times you've heard the same knock-knock jokes. Say thank you to compliments. Don't point out your flaws. You are neither the Most nor Least Important Person in the World- but you are IMPORTANT, and what you do and say and feel MATTER.

Monday, August 12, 2013

The Oatmeal Cookie Revelation

He went out on a cookie run before his gig.  We each chose one type of cookie.  Chunky chocolate chip (me), Oreo (Whodunit), and iced oatmeal (Ponytail).

Later, Ponytail admitted that their fondness for oatmeal cookies has nothing to do with their taste (a taste they know I don't like).

"You don't have the same experience attached to them that we do," she explained.
"When we were little, we would spend lots of time with PawPaw, and he would always share his oatmeal cookies with us while we watched westerns together.  Those are very happy memories."

Saturday, August 3, 2013

#CSpireLies FOREVER: What I used my phone for yesterday

Used "Navvy" to tell me which 3 exits to take to get my child to a nearby city, and me back home.  She did okay.

Sent and received several brief text messages.

Caught up with the small group of fabulous people in my virtual circle of friends (commonly known as "facebooking").

Tried to figure out how Ebay works.  Downloaded the app.  It didn't help.

Shared these "music" videos with children.
The Adventures of One Eskimo chapter one, music by One Eskimo

The Zombie Song, by Stephanie Mabey

Watched this favorite song video again.  Storm, by Adrianne Gonzales

Watched and shared this music video with lyrics:  Just Give Me a Reason, by Pink

Sorted my YouTube "watch later" and "favorites" folders into applicable playlists.  In order to give #CSpireLies the benefit of the doubt, I have to suppose they have arrived at the only logical conclusion:  That I alone possess the power to watch and process an entire 2 to 15 minute YouTube video in the 3 seconds it actually takes other people to click on the video and then place it in the appropriate playlist. 
Yes, #CSpireLies believes I watched each video, in its entirety, at a speed only second to the speed of light.  They tallied up all the data they believed I had unfairly accessed (with my secret powers), and initiated punitive measures intended to discourage me from further allegiance with the Dark Side.  Makes perfect sense.  It was really only a matter of time before #CSpireLies figured me out.

No matter how many times the hostages beg #CSpireLies to elaborate, as we vainly attempt to comply like the good little Stockholmers we so desperately want to be, #CSpireLies refuses to provide us with numbers or words that mean anything remotely useable.

The closest to an explanation that #CSpireLies provides is repeating a statement to the effect that "Unlimited" means they will slow down your data speed only if you use "high amounts" of data. 

#CSpireLies needs a dictionary.  Their definition of unlimited is eerily similar to the definition of pornography (as per Booth on the TV program, Bones): they'll know it when they see it!  Happy stalking, #CSpireLies!

If knowledge is power, #CSpireLies is hoarding its kryptonite, depriving us of access to the collective knowledge of this "modern" age, while continuing to extract exorbitant amounts of meaningless "protection" fees.
What if hostages refused to continue paying #CSpireLies for the privilege?  What if those same hostages pooled those fees and retained a group of attorneys to initiate a class-action suit against #CSpireLies?  What if this movement were already in progress, #CSpireLies?

Times are tough all over, #CSpireLies.  As for the downtrodden peasants who "like" you on facebook?  Once y'all learn how to read, #CSpireLies, I believe you will find history is absolutely resplendent with examples of just how much peasants love a good villain!

#CSpireLies believes they are not bound by the laws of fair business practice.  Let them know that they are.

P.S. And, if anybody reading this knows anyone at #CSpireLies (above the rank of powerless Customer "Service" Representative), for the love of anything that is still holy, please, PLEASE, give them a dictionary.

#CSpireLies FOREVER!

#CSpireLies FOREVER-the bizarre saga continues...

#CSpireLies text received at 0257:
Your data speed has been reduced until 08/03/2013. Use Wi-Fi when available to avoid reduced data speeds. Thank you for choosing C Spire.

My texts:
#1.  It already IS 08/03/2013.  Thank you very much for disturbing my household at 3 o'clock in the morning, #CSpireLies, in order to deliver further proof that there is not one dictionary in the entirety of the #CSpireLies cellular service hostage organization.

#2.  What EXACTLY is your problem, #CSpireLies?  I use LESS data than anybody I know.  Your cryptic harassment remains unacceptable.  Furthermore, please STOP CONTACTING ME in the middle of the NIGHT.  Perhaps your employees would appreciate the same treatment your customers enjoy. #CSpireLies FOREVER

#3.  The new Untrustworthiness Pyramid has been released.  #CSpireLies has edged ahead of Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Pehlps Jr.
Congratulations, #CSpireLies!

#4.  Please GO AWAY, inevitable #CSpireLies representative "responding" to my text.  #CSpireLies started it.  I did NOT.     Please refer to previous #s 1 through 3.  DO NOT further disturb my family in the middle of the NIGHT with a follow-up text, no matter how well-intended.  #CSpireLies FOREVER

*: Thank you for contacting Csprie Wireless, This is *, How may I assist you?
Sent via Personalized Wireless

(Me? I simply re-sent #4. )

I WAS exhausted, and ready for sleep.  Now, thanks to #CSpireLies, I'm exhausted, FED UP, and MAD.  These bizarre practices of #CSpireLies MUST stop.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Family Treenado

Texts between Ponytail and Me between 2 and 4 am Friday night.  I really did want to make that tree project for the Family Reunion.
P:  R u awake?
ME:  Yes
P:  I woke up with a headache and took some medicine but can't fall asleep
ME:  Bad bad migraine. Barely was able to get home.
Is your head a little better?
P:  Aw:( a little i guess
ME:  Mine is barely any better. Enough to kinda see these letters but keep having to correct everything. It's VERY HOT here, too.  (Our central air broke, so they were at a Grand's house)
P:  Did u get the fan out of my room?
ME:  Must be a weather thing. Bet (blogalias) & (blogalias) have one too
I did, but it's not as fast as it used to be.
P:  Is it on 3?
ME:  Somebody supposed to look at AC in a while. Yes, but 3 blow like 1 used to. Not hard at all.
My room is cool enough. Have fan facing to my bathroom.
Did you bring the nausea health store med with you?
P:  Yeah, i have tylenol-caffeine pills, nausea, and those pain ones
ME:  sorry about your headache and un sleepiness.
What make brown?
P:  Red and green. Blue and orange. Purple and yellow.
ME:  Let me send you a funny link. Fb message ok?
Go read it now!
(*** http://www.flyingplatypi.com/2013/07/i-may-be-crazy-but-i-think-my-girl.html?m=1
P:  I am!
Girl mannequin child:)
ME:  Somebody was in a hurry to get home!
P:  Lol
ME:  Her goofy face always wins
My "tree" looks like Christmas threw up.
P:  Lol. pics or it didn't happen
*( so proud )*
ME:  Exactly. Never happened. Gotta burn it before (blogalias) get home
Also the fumes are pretty strong.
P:  What'd u do it with?
ME:  Because alcohol dries faster than water do.
To blend chalk
With my other fingers
P:  Wow, okay. Also, ur shut up in ur room, so yeah the fumes would be strong
ME:  Gonna add Mardi gras 
P:  To ur tree?
ME:  Yes. Purple doesn't LIKE the alcohol.
Or the other colors. Purple is a jerk.
I need the name of a very little child to blame this on. Ideas?
P:  Which color DOES like the alcohol?
ME:  Green and red!
P:  (blogalias) (actually, this kid is 4, and he doesn't HAVE one yet)
ME:  It didn't make them BLEND, but they are wasted.
P:  Hmm... Do they like it TOO much? Maybe, u should keep them away from it
ME:  It's a tree-nado!
P:  That's even worse than Sharknado
ME:  Gonna fb you a pic
P:  Wow. That is so bad. Why didn't u just use crayons?
ME:  Didn't know where they were/migraine/ how else was I gonna get these awesome chalk fingers?
P:  They are in my room by my bed on the old show rack/ bookshelve in front of my window bottom shelve with the paint and colored pencils
ME:  This tree-nado is making me dizzy and more nauseated.
It's too late.
P:  *shoe
ME:  I'm an IDEAS man.  I depends on others to carry them out
P:  Also, it's never too late to fix a mistake. Unless of course ur out of whiteout
ME:  Maybe it can be a rainbow-tree-nado! It grows rainbows!
White out is what killed off the typewriters and the dinosaurs.
P:  Ikr
ME:  Maybe I should have used purple drink and sweet tea
Or other actual art supplies...
Or dirt.
P:  Wow. That would have been a complete mess
ME:  The brown ice cream in the freezer!
P:  Even dirt stuck on with glue would have been better
ME:  That's what I was thinking.
P:  Don't waste our ice cream!
ME:  I don't know any blind small children. Do you?
Art is never a waste!
Wonder what peroxide does to "art"?
P:  Probably nothing good. Unless ur going for a flame sculpture
ME:  Wow, foam hand sanitizer really brings out the purple.
P:  What exactly are u doing to ur art
ME:  This is the kind of "art" that even artists want to censor and destroy.
Um, cleaning it?
P:  Lol. Did u try soap and water
ME:  Fb pic again
P:  It looks like some really creepy skeleton hand
ME:  That's what happens when Rainbow Tree-nados go over to the darker side.
Flipped it. Look now
P:  The blue side is so much prettier
ME:  So far. Evil lol.
(fb pic sent)
P:  Nice shadow selfie
ME:  Do people take shadow selfies on purpose?
P:  Did u?
ME:  Not on purpose. Just found that in my phone and cropped it a little.
P:  Googling shadow selfies
Answer: yes
ME:  Galaxy quest. (which I love and was watching for about the 80th time) Rock monster: right outta Power Rangers, am I right?
P:   I'm not sure if that text made sense or not
ME:  Maybe this will help.
Part 1 (Power Rangers writers meeting):
We gotta think of a new monster. Think think think think. Chair Monster! No, Table Monster!
Part2: What about Fish Aquarium Monster?  No.  Not believable.  Think, everybody! Think like the wind!    Ooh, ooh, (looks at bottom of aquarium)
Part 3:  (looks AT bottom oF aquarium) ROCK MONSTER!  Everybody: Rock Monster is the best idea ever! Let's go to Chucky Cheese to celebrate! Yay!
The end
P:  Clap clap clap! Encore
ME:  Thank you!  Gotta go whack a mole now! 
And then they write down everything they see there and pull it out at the next meeting. Because they're fantastic writers!
P:  Mkay
ME:  I believe Girl Mannequin Child should hang a tire swing from the Rainbow-Art-Treenado.
P:  Ok. Ho
ME:  What did you call me?
P:  Stupid phone. *how?
ME:  What's a "how"?
P:  How would she hang a tire swing from a treenado
ME:  With a rope!
P:  But treenado!
ME:  1st She has to use the rope as a lasso, 2nd as a ladder, 3rd as a swing attacher mechanism.
(fb message:  Isn't that SKEERY?)
P:  Whats scary?
ME:  Another pic.
In the crust.
P:  I know but what on the pic? It's pizza
ME:  Crust
ME:  The last treenado pic looks like a palm tree on fire erupting from a volcano?
It could be a volcado. Hard to tell.
Or an island that ship wrecked people just decide to drown rather than go there.
P:  Volcado definitley
ME:  It has geiser features, too. But I don't think that's how it's spelled.
I believe I may be in some kind of coma. And the only way out?
Yep. Right through the volcado.
P:  ...alright...
ME:  Except I can't swim in lava
P:  Lava girl can. From "Shark Boy and Lava Girk" Best. Movie. Ever
ME:  Do I freaking LOOK like Mannequin Lava Girl?
DO I??! DO I?? Seriously, do I? I didn't see the movie.
P:  It'd be awesome if u were.
It was awesome to me like 8 years ago. It's probably a really sucky movie
ME:  I'm so awesome that Treenado wants to go as Torachael for Hallowe'en.
Aren't you sleepy yet?
P:  It's got taylor lautner in it. Being awesome and whatnot
No not really. Well, somewhat but i still can't sleep
ME:  I'm gonna make a rock monster out of potatoes.
Also, a small  potato tree
Is he Lava Girl?
P:  That would be a potato monster
No he's sharkboy. Duh! I think George Lopez is the bad guy
ME:  Well, no, because it's a COSTUME.
P:  Whatevs
ME:  If you're getting same text more than once, it's just C-Spire polluting.
P:  I know
ME:  My potatoes are going as Rock Monster.
I just don't think Cat or Dog could carry the weight.
Maybe they could go as the garden. No, that's lame
P:  Cat might.
He's getting really big
ME:  Cat would train the potatoes to be evil and then he could take over the worlds!
P:  I think the potatoes would just rebel
ME:  Help me make a fin for the Carnado?.
P:  U need to rewatch the landshark video
ME:   I think when potatoes rebel, they become aug rotten.
Too loud for now.  want the link to the only video about dead dogs that made me roffle?
Anyways, to give you an idea of how big a rock is, here's a picture of a rock next to a slightly smaller rock.  *(no picture)*
(*That very last bit was inspired by a zfrank1 YouTube video, True Facts about the Aye-Aye.
Sometimes I just can't help myself.)