Hardly Evil at All

I bet if you took all the evil people in the world and laid them end to end (but not in any dirty kind of way), you would be surprised to find that not one of them was Me.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Note to self: remember to ask for extra NO TIGER TEETH next time.

I don't know if I should bring the baby tiger tooth back and demand that my food be replaced, or list it on Ebay or Craig's List!
Anybody know how much tiger teeth go for these days?? 
For Sale:  One beautiful baby tiger tooth, good condition (baby tiger not included).
Would look lovely on a necklace for that special Someone (male and/or female)!
Alternatively, it could be ground into powder for aphrodisiac purposes.
Serious inquiries only, please.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Lost (and FOUND!) in Translation: Unexpected Treasures of Online Shopping

I was just looking for a specific pant.  Thanks to Six Degrees of China, I got so much more.
These are real, cut & pasted item descriptions, exactly as found today.  (and that's ME talking in the parentheses) 

Retro Single-Breasted High Waist Narrow Feet Pants Denim Women's 
(You probably think this is a one-strap overall.  You're wrong.  It's jeans.)

Stylish Flower Decorated Broken Hole Hot Pants Women's Denim Shorts
(Excuse me, miss, do you have anything that will make these darn broken holes look stylish?)

Double-Breasted High Waist Jeans Women's Pencil Pants
(Finally!  A pant that will accommodate even the most extremely sagging bosoms!)

(Just when I thought the fun was over, BAM!)
Casual Slimming Fit Flanging Ripped Women's Skinny Jeans
(Damn, girl.  Them jeans are FLANGin'!)

(This is NOT a link to naked pictures!)
(I told you it wasn't!)

Korean style white jeans female beggar pants trousers slim style hole points
(There are about a hundred pictures of a skinny girl wearing these pants.  I hope proceeds go for homeless relief, and maybe a sandwich for that poor girl.)

Interesting Electronic Remote Control Mouse Toy for Trick/Playing with Cat (Brown)
(Sure, brown cats like it.  But is it interesting enough for my much smarter yellow cat?)

Lovely Robotic Hungry Eating Dog Coin Piggy Bank
(Is it a lovely, hungry, bank shaped like a pig that eats dogcoins?  Whatever the actual product turns out to be, there's at least one good, free bonus, Haiku in it.)
Silicone Pumping Toilet Stand Holder for Mobile Phone/MP4/iPhone 5/4S/4 - Green
(Looks like a standard bathroom plunger to me.  Use it to hold your phone while you use the bathroom, and leave it handy, to make yuck go down when it don't want to.)

Me: Didn't buy a thing.  Still the most satisfying online shopping experience EVER.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Oatmeal and the Devil

(in the minivan a few nights ago)
Daughter #1 (age 17):  What are Quakers? 

ME: ?

#1:  I took an online test about which religion best suits me.

ME (following momentary confusion involving Pilgrims, the Amish, Luddites, and Mennonites; explanation provided entirely with information gleaned from watching Six Feet Under):  Mostly, I think they just gather to think good thoughts and sing songs such as C'mon, people, now, smile on your brother.  Peace, meditation and, basically, yoga class, but with fewer yoga pants.  Except that would be naked yoga class, and that might NOT be such a great thing.  Forget about the yoga!

Daughter #2 (age 15, my clone-child):  I took that test, too. 

ME:  (?) 

#2:  Satanism!

ME:  JEEsus, Ponytail!  You couldn't make a stop at Wicca?!  Or even Christian Science!  HOW do you go straight to Satanism?  You're a freaking VEGETARIAN, for godsake!  Whut the HELL?!

WANTED:  Violence-free, vegetarian religion that embraces the zombie/vampire/Hogwarts cultures.  No mandatory services, outfits, chanting, costumes, or tithing.  And we still get to celebrate any and every holiday or occasion that we feel like, even the ones we totally made up.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Text message received at 11:25 pm

As a concerned citizen, i feel the need to inform you of the crime scene on the kitchen table

It was Reggie. Something really bad happened to him. No witnesses have come forward... yet.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Monday, July 8, 2013

Wake Me Up From This Insomnia!

Whut's Wrong With Me?
Severe, persistent, night time insomnia.
What I do to fix it- try to sleep at night.  End up sleeping after the sun comes up, due to sheer exhaustion.
What I did when I found myself feeling sleepy at a "normal" time tonight- texted MOTL*, asking him if he wanted to practice kissing.
What's happening now- it's 2am, and MOTL is snoring like a light bulb next to me, while I watch the same movie for the eightieth time and play solitaire on my laptop, wondering how I got to be so stupid and/or inefficient to even accomplish SLEEPING.

*for those just joining us, MOTL= My One True Love.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

C Spire, ventexting, and Derrick B. Guess which one of these 3 things I HATE?

I occasionally receive texts from C Spire, encouraging me to earn  points, check out new apps, music, ringtones, phones, plans... My least favorite is the tempting me with "insurance."  Their "insurance" is worthless.  Knowing these messages are mass-sent, not personalized or monitored, I feel free to ventext about just how much I hate C Spire, using alI the best bad words I know.  *[DON'T JUDGE ME!]* Considering the amount of money this company has already taken me (a PREMIER level customer, no less!) for, my ventext therapy has been paid for many times over.
I was watching YouTube videos, waiting for a headache to STOP ALREADY, when I received an atypical text from my cell phone carrier.  Unfortunately, I was in no mood to rant.  But I can't NOT reply now, because it's traditional, so I replied with the first thing that popped into my head, prolly because of the dysfunctional relationship I enjoy with C Spire, and went back to watching videos until I met Derrick B.  The actual texts are pasted below, with commentary by Me, in my head.

9:13 pm
C Spire:  Due to your high data usage, you should switch to Wi-Fi when available until 07/04/2013 to avoid reduced data speeds. Thank you for choosing C Spire.

Me:  Stockholm Syndrome

C Spire:  Thanks for using TextCS: the convenient way to receive personalized answers to your service questions. One of our crew members will respond shortly!

Me (in my head!):  Sure you will.  Silly C Spire, with your silly tricks!

10:28 pm
(C Spire)  Derrick B: Thank you for contacting Cspire Wireless. This is Derrick, How may I assist you?
Sent via Personalized Wireless

Me (in my head!): WHUT's happening?? I have no idea what you're talking about, Derrick.

10:33 pm
(C Spire)  Derrick B: I have noticed that you have not responded in awhile   Please let me know if you still need assistance.
Sent via Personalized Wireless

Me (in my head!):  FIVE MINUTES = awhile??  It took you over an hour to get back to me... What if Derrick is a pretty nice guy that I'm projecting my feelings about his employer onto?  I'm glad I didn't go with my usual responses! Wonder if I owe him an apology... It's possible he never saw my text in the first place.  There's a list of phone numbers that is generated when that number is texted, and then Derrick texts back in the order in which he feels like it.

10:39 pm
(C Spire)  Derrick B: ?If you need further assistance, please text us back.  Thank you for being a valued C Spire Wireless customer. Please never text and drive.?

Me (in my head!):  Why did he say that?  Does Derrick think I text and drive?!  You don't KNOW ME, Derrick!  Also, that's Derrick's question mark, not mine.  I can't tell if he's asking me if I'm texting and driving right now, or a request to make a pledge with him now, via text, to never do so.?  He prolly DID see that Stockholm comment, and he's trying to get me riled up.  You're just messing with me now, huh, DERRICK?  If that even IS your real name!

(C Spire)  Derrick B: Text CS is a part of the suite of services/features CSpire offers to create a truly unique and personalized wireless experience.

Me (in my head!):  Yeah, if by UNIQUE, you mean erratically unpredictable and undependable.   Another thing, Derrick and C Spire, what's up with the textmarketing after 9 pm?  I believe that's in direct violation of several rules.  You'll be hearing from my lawyer, Derrick!  Because she's single.  (And you might be cute.)