(in the minivan a few nights ago)
Daughter #1 (age 17): What are Quakers?
#1: I took an online test about which religion best suits me.
ME (following momentary confusion involving Pilgrims, the Amish, Luddites, and Mennonites; explanation provided entirely with information gleaned from watching Six Feet Under): Mostly, I think they just gather to think good thoughts and sing songs such as C'mon, people, now, smile on your brother. Peace, meditation and, basically, yoga class, but with fewer yoga pants. Except that would be naked yoga class, and that might NOT be such a great thing. Forget about the yoga!
Daughter #2 (age 15, my clone-child): I took that test, too.
ME: JEEsus, Ponytail! You couldn't make a stop at Wicca?! Or even Christian Science! HOW do you go straight to Satanism? You're a freaking VEGETARIAN, for godsake! Whut the HELL?!
WANTED: Violence-free, vegetarian religion that embraces the zombie/vampire/Hogwarts cultures. No mandatory services, outfits, chanting, costumes, or tithing. And we still get to celebrate any and every holiday or occasion that we feel like, even the ones we totally made up.