Hardly Evil at All

I bet if you took all the evil people in the world and laid them end to end (but not in any dirty kind of way), you would be surprised to find that not one of them was Me.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Meet Reluctant Farmer

Dear Martha Stewart,

HELP!!!
Approximately 32 bazillion (a little over half a container) of these "glass seed beads" spilled between the bed and nightstand. 
My question is, how long do I have to prepare- before the crops start coming in?  Also, now that I've become a Reluctant Bead Farmer, do I have to water them, or will they automatically absorb the correct amount of moisture from the environment?

Sincerely,
A Reluctant Bead Farmer

P.S.  PLEASE tell me that these are the kind of beads that grow on neatly harvest-able vines!!!

Monday, January 20, 2014

The other old new house (more true stories that I wish weren't)

She started crying quietly as she stared out the window at our little house that we had to give up because of a predator. 
Our poor house, she wept, as I drove slowly down the dark drive, past the house we had loved and called home for eight years,  obscured now by broken down vehicles, old toys, and trash.
What warm light through yonder windows shone when she was ours...

Epitaph:
Here lie the ruins of
what once we called Home.
Crowded, yet empty now,
because the light has all gone.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Tentative title for tentative family autobiography

How Hunters Accidentally Created a Gatherer:  The True* Story of the Goats of Christmas Past
*Although I'm pretty sure it wasn't actually Christmas, I AM one hundred percent certain it was goats.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

The Most Dangerous Chicken is Me

All the serious hiding and not showing up I've been doing has finally gotten me the result that I maybe deserve, but don't really want.
First, I missed some things, some phone calls, texts, emails, then some more things, minor and then moderately important things and events until it was too late and awkward to try to make it up and eventually nobody brought them up again. 
That's why I still have all three copies of that book I liked so much that I got one for each of my old best friends.  For Christmas over a year ago.  And the birthday presents for their kids that same year, now residing somewhere in the kitchen, festive wrappings long destroyed and discarded due to months of being knocked about in trunks and on car floors and trips back and forth between house and car, never delivered.
That turned into last-minute texts for holidays and birthdays.  Which turned into even laster-minute FACEBOOK MESSAGES for special days.  Which turned into a sort of game of chicken:  who will acknowledge the other's existence first?
I think I'm winning, because I remember them all, and I'm consciously not reaching out...
The truth is, I'm only winning because I play one stupid game so well I've been forgotten.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

New Year's Revelations

It's kind of too late now, seeing as how G1 is off to college later this year.  I am quickly running out of opportunities to casually instill not-quite-normal "totally normal" ideas, habits, and traditions in my group of captive (so to speak), susceptible, highly moldable, human specimens.  Because it will make their adult lives more interesting.
Thanks a lot, Father Time, for bringing it up again, really.  "Happy" New Year, Time Daddy!
P.S.  This is kind of why that nursing home you are headed for is gonna suck.