Hardly Evil at All

I bet if you took all the evil people in the world and laid them end to end (but not in any dirty kind of way), you would be surprised to find that not one of them was Me.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Dave Elliot's Surprise Gaycation Adventure

#1.  Dave Elliot has been a (admittedly, bland) fixture on our local news as long as I can remember.  I always assumed Dave was gay, but I never consciously gave it much thought.  Y'all mean he's not?  (A it.  You don't know for sure, which is appropriate.  Why does everybody have to be publicly classified?)
#2.  This remark, by itself, has got to be one of the least offensive "offensive" statements I've ever seen people get riled up about.  What's up with that? 
#3.  Not long ago, Paula Dean called black people "niggers" and was wildly defended by many of the same people attacking Dave today.  (Don't bother denying it.  You know who you are.)  When I dared express my opposition to the near-rabid defense of poor little Paula, I heard, time and again:  "I may not agree with what others say, but I will defend their right to say it!"  Really.  That's what you said.  Go back and look it up.  Really?  You support free speech, even when you don't agree, huh?  Because the evidence says otherwise. 
A person can't express that he is weary of constant "news" coverage about any group or topic?  (You don't have to hate children to be unable to tolerate Nancy Grace marathons.)
#4.  As for all the Missippians who think Dave Elliot is what makes us look bad...  I'm sure you can find something on Netflix to cheer you up.  There's plenty of discount beer and tobacco stores right down the street.  They probably take EBT and, if not, I'm sure there's a payday loan (shark) place in spitting distance.  You can gamble and eat BigMacs 24/7.  Liquor stores still close at ten, but your dealer doesn't.

There seems to be some confusion surrounding the south.  This is Mississippi.  Mississippi is in something called the United States of America.  Americans have the right to free speech.  That means Mississippians have the right to free speech.  

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

How to Survive the Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse By J.McAllister, for The Spear Head newspaper, 2013

How to Survive the Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse
By J.McAllister, for The Spear Head newspaper, 2013

What will you do if the zombie apocalypse breaks out today- tomorrow-or next week?

In the event of a zombie outbreak, statistically speaking, most of you will either die or become a member of the undead right off the bat. No offense, that’s just how it is. But a lucky few of you will be able to survive and even thrive in a new undead world… If you know what you’re doing of course.

How many of you have seen Warm Bodies? Yeah, it’s a good movie (if you like love stories)… but let’s face it: a zombie apocalypse will probably be more Walking Dead style. “Oh,” you ask, “How then do I survive the dreadful, dreadful horror that will descend on me when the zombies rise?” Well, thank you for asking.

Imagine: The zombie apocalypse has arrived and everyone is in a panic. Where do you go? What do you do? How will you survive?

Most people’s first instinct will be to stock up on food, water, and other supplies. Where have we all gone for those things before? The stores. The bigger the better: Winn-Dixie, Target, Wal-Mart. That’s where we have grown up knowing: They have whatever we need. So here’s you first rule: AVOID the stores. Don’t even think about considering the possibility of going anywhere near a shopping center. The first reaction of our consumer driven society will be to shop, so these places will be packed with people. Zombies, as it turns out, are attracted to the places with the most people. So wherever there are large crowds, there will be zombies. And it only takes one zombie to spread the infection, or a group to surround a store and trap hundreds inside indefinitely. So if you don’t have supplies of your own, smaller, family owned, stores will be able to provide you with the basics: water (lots and lots and lots of it), canned foods (don’t forget the opener), and dried/ packaged foods (think granola bars and dried fruit). Dairy products, fruits, and vegetables are good for only a limited amount of time before they spoil, so if you do stock up on them, make sure you only get what you can use; the rest will just go to waste. What works for us in the Southern states in the case of a zombie invasion are hurricane supplies. Most likely, everyone has at least a small stash of bottled water and canned and packaged food along with batteries, flashlights, candles, matches and wood. Everything that can be used during a hurricane will be vitally important during the zombie apocalypse.

So now you have supplies… but where do you go with them? If you’re in the city part of d’Iberville or Biloxi. Get out. Zombies will swarm to where people are and there is a higher concentration of people in the city and the subdivisions surrounding it. If possible, the best case scenario would be to find a place in the woods, easily defendable and with clear escape routes. But, let’s be honest, you’ll probably be stuck at your house with your family, friends or neighbors.

How do you now protect yourself in your home? You board up windows and block entrances. If you’re house is hurricane or tornado proof, then your already a step ahead! Whatever you do, do NOT, under any circumstances, stay in the basement. Basements might seem like the safest place to store your supplies or hide, but if zombies do break through your defenses, you’ll be trapped with no escape. Special consideration is made for two-story homes. You should keep your stockpile of food and supplies on the second floor and prepare to demolish the staircase if zombies show up. You’ll be safe, but you’ll also be trapped if zombies surround you. Always make sure you have an easy escape route from anywhere in the house.

You might even be at school when the apocalypse breaks out. As a hurricane shelter, d’Iberville High School is easily defendable and stocked with supplies. The only problem is that, as a shelter, more people will run here for help than can be supported. And if someone is bitten, and hides it, the shelter becomes a death trap as the infection quickly spreads through the inside as well as the outside. Strict measures will have to be enacted to prevent a catastrophe like this from occurring, but even the most fool-proof plans somehow have a way of falling apart.

Home, school, other shelter, always be sure you can defend yourself from your position. Don’t go running off killing zombies because you’ve seen ALL of the Walking Dead. You’ll be the first to turn and we’ll miss you terribly… until you try to eat us. Most of us, who have no clue how to fight at all will be more adept at hiding and running than actually fighting off the threat. But there might be an instance where you will be required to defend yourself or your family or friends from the undead. How will you go about defending against zombies? Remember, short hair and tight clothes will keep zombies from grabbing you and consequently spreading the infection. You might think you need a gun to “kill” zombies, but that’s not so! ANYTHING can be used to smash a zombie’s head or decapitate it. Just make sure to destroy it’s brain stem. It takes a very good shot to incapacitate a zombie because only a direct hit to the head will even affect it. An amateur shot will just waste valuable ammunition.

If you do end up “killing” a zombie, you have to properly dispose of the body. Be sure to wear gloves and a mask at all times when handling the undead corpse to avoid the spread of infection. Burning is the only way to completely destroy a zombie, but be sure to only burn during the day when you’ll be able to spot zombies and defend yourself better.

So now that you’re successfully freaked out, you can prepare for the upcoming apocalypse before it actually happens. You can stockpile supplies and plan escape routes. You can start a defense plan and research more than was provided for you here. Once the zombies rise, you’ll be ready… I’ll be hiding under my bed.

Once the zombies rise, you’ll be ready. Maybe you’ll see me… I’ll be the one trying to eat your brains.

*This original article by J. McAllister was first published in The Spear Head newspaper