Hardly Evil at All

I bet if you took all the evil people in the world and laid them end to end (but not in any dirty kind of way), you would be surprised to find that not one of them was Me.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

bad kitty

Me (from somewhere in the vicinity of the end of my rope):  This cat is CRAZY and BAD.  I'm gonna go out and buy a tazer.  Maybe THAT will get his attention.
Ponytail:  NOOOooo!  Not a tazer!  That would KILL him!
Me:  Oh emm gee, I'm NOT homicidal!  I was talking about a CAT tazer, Ponytail!  Duh.
Ponytail:  There's no such thing as a CAT TAZER, Mommy!
Me:  Okay, then.  We'll just have to get a BABY tazer and PRETEND it's a kitty  tazer!

(P.S. We didn't!)


(Guest Host) Pretendra : For Lack of a Knack for Communication

My "favorite" language misuse is something I read in charts CONSTANTLY.  I've given up trying to convince anyone that they shouldn't write this.  It used to make me laugh; it just makes me sad now.
Patient AROUSES easily.
Patient DIFFICULT to AROUSE.
It is true that an occasional patient may become AROUSED during the course of care and treatment.  This is usually accidental, always ignored, and is NEVER encouraged. 
If one attempts to AROUSE a patient, one is acting inappropriately, immorally, and most likely, illegally!
If one elects to keep at it long enough to determine whether a patient is IMPOSSIBLE to AROUSE, rather than merely DIFFICULT to arouse, one is very dedicated and in need of either psychiatric assistance STAT, or a career change (fluffer comes to mind), and maybe a good lawyer.


Saturday, September 29, 2012

Jagger and the ransom

WHY is Jagger practicing using his paws and mouth to manipulate a pencil? I suspect he doesn't want to be dependent on others to write ransom notes for him anymore. In all my life I've never had a pet that made me want to lock up all the kitchen knives.


great ideas

I've been very proud of myself for keeping my phone close to me so that when I wake up with a possibly brilliant idea, or just a dream I want to think about the meaning of, I can jot it down in my notes app and look at it later instead of having to wake all the way up to write (usually illegibly) on paper.
Today I grabbed my phone and HAD to write this because it was really funny to me (WHILE I WAS ASLEEP):
Then I fired up and said to any body listening: That ain't MY peanut M&M margarita!
*note to self:  Maybe not ALL those great ideas you so regretted losing to sleep were actually great. 

P.S. Also Senor Monkey-Muffins.
P.P.S.  Nope. I have NO idea, either.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Cat-Shit Crazy 2

R:  I'll bet normal famblies never have to scream: Get off the table or I will throw a dog at you! just so they can eat breakfast without the cat.

R:  And THEN, STOP clawing the couch, Jagger! HERE comes Mister Monkey!!!

R:  Now Jagger is over in the shoe rack/pile. Why does he try to put on my shoes? It's like Bo when he used to prance around in his Mama's shoes when I babysat.

J:  Our family isn't normal either. Our cat likes to eat lunch in the high chair.

R:  Maybe we should GET a high chair for Jagger, or at least SOMETHING we can strap him in! I really think it's HIM, and not US, but I'm probably just in denial.

R:  Was he possibly normal when he got here and we broke him? Or is it just that he was conceived and borned in a meth lab... The dog (the real live one, not the tiny stuffed one I flung at the cat!)- his poop don't stink no more! Scooter's like the canine version of Teacher's Pet now.

J:  I think all animals are a little weird. They each have their own little personality.

R:  It's a SHOE BOX, Jagger, and not even a very nice one. WHY.

R:  Next, on Animal Planet: My Cat Might Be a Pervert.

R:  When you notice your cat is looking at you oddly while wearing your shoes and licking himself, it's either time to stop drinking or time to START.

A:  awwww

L:  He's eyeing those comfy wedges... but maybe a whiff of those sneakers is making his whiskers curl.

R:  L, I saw him stick his whole head in that same sneaker and inhale deeply. I just sat in the kitchen finishing my breakfast, watching him, and thinking about the absurdity of it all. He kept squinching his eyes and looking away on account of my phone's camera flash, too.

L:  lol.  Maybe he will start hiding things in your shoes like a squirel storing nuts for later.


Cat-Shit Crazy

Cat-shit crazy is exactly like bat shit crazy, except that it's caused by cats that live in your house and you have to give them food and water and empty their litter boxes almost every day.

The Double AH *see first: AH*

Apparently it was an unforgivable offense that I didn't finish scribbling on the two unofficial pieces of paper shoved at me yesterday, neither of which affects individual or company performance or productivity in any way. 

Kelso brought it (rudely) to my attention at the very beginning of the next shift, as if the omission were somehow an act of premeditated, gross misconduct.  My response was essentially:  My bad.  I was taking care of my actual WORK obligations.

And then I heard a set of words one never expects to hear in the American workplace.  THE set of words that earned Kelso the first ever Double AH distinction.

Kelso actually said the words:   You need to make sure all your paperwork is done before you eat or go to the bathroom.

He's like a double AH.  Literally, the anus of a donkey.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Just say Nay to suicide and homicide

Me to Ponytail (upon learning National Suicide Prevention Week was upon us):  Make me something suicide prevention related to wear to Open House at High Skool tonight!
Like maybe a shirt that says: To everyone who has ever considered suicide (or homicide!), but has NOT attempted either: HIGH FIVE!!!

**I didn't get that custom-made shirt or any presents at ALL, even though I refrained from suicide and homicide (except for bugs- I'm sorry, but I've thought long and hard about it, and bugs just DO NOT count!) for an entire YEAR.

AH

From the (sadly) True Work Files

Out of one person's persistently arrogant, dictatorial, anti-social workplace behavior arose a need for a way to (cheerfully) acknowledge the absurdity of the situation in a way that could be utilized in anyone's presence, yet still allow for the vocal expression of one's own exasperation.
Thus, the word (and sound) AH took on new meaning, and Kelso became the very first one.

Friday, September 14, 2012

I bought some hairspray, but not really

DAY 1
My usual brand of bar soap recently featured a promotional miniature can of hairspray taped to it.  YES, I thought loudly to myself, at LAST!  A free gift I can USE!

DAY 2
I probably should start storing first aid and beauty products SEPARATELY.
Also, I shouldn't use EITHER without wearing contacts or glasses.

DAY 3
Please support my cause by signing this petition and passing it on.

Dear Food and Drug Administration:
For obvious safety reasons,  companies should be required to put a warning label with THIS IS NOT HAIRSPRAY in large print on all spray cans that AREN'T.
Thank you,
Coalition of Americans for Safer Hairspray
(Because styling your hair shouldn't be dangerous)