The (original)H.I.T. Squad

*This was previously written due to the discovery that I had developed a new condition (currently un-funded, un-researched, and definitely un-resolved) that I would prolly call Insomnia with Inappropriate Somnalist Characteristics, except that I CAN'T officially name it that because my "smart" phone won't acknowledge or offer spelling suggestions for the second word, which I'm pretty sure is a REAL word, because I'm SLEEPY, not STOOOPID!
Anyway, SAVE IT to read every time you can't sleep!  It will most likely cure your own insomnia FOREVER!
*If only I could solve my own problems as easily and effortlessly as I can fix the problems of the rest of the world*

The (original)H.I.T. Squad

Can't sleep?
Apply to be a charter member of the Heroic Insomniacs Team!
Join the H.I.T. squad tonight, and sleep better...or...not... whatever...no guarantees or anything.
We have LOTS of ideas about what you could or should be doing with all those otherwise WASTED hours! 
Watch pig races!  (Alternately, raise and race pigs yourself! It's fun, probably.)
Search out sad, lonely, even unfortunate-looking, losers on facebook and give them either a ray of hope and sunshine in their lives or at least an interesting cyber-stalker story to tell!
Tweet!  As in, on Twitter.  Does it really matter if no one reads your tweets?  No, it does not.  If a tree tweeted in the forest, it still would have tweeted, right?  (ANSWER: yes, of course! Unless the tree was LYING, and trying to take credit for the noise a BIRD made, which just goes to show you that Trees cannot be trusted!)
Stalk, and then befriend a cop.  Then, introduce me to that new friend and then I'll have a cop friend, just what I've ALWAYS wanted!
(Happy *EVERY HOLIDAY*, Me!)

P.S. We're only tired because 2% of the people in the world are responsible for 99% of its great ideas and awesomeness!