Hardly Evil at All

I bet if you took all the evil people in the world and laid them end to end (but not in any dirty kind of way), you would be surprised to find that not one of them was Me.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

The OTHER Chicken Egg Debate

(I did NO actual research on this)
My farmer friend started raising chickens and gave me fresh eggs on a regular basis for a while, which was awesome because I used the money I usually set aside for eggs on ammo, assorted bribes, and lip gloss.
Anyway, during our many "farm" talks, I learned two things.  One: if you don't make time for "farm" talk, you probably ain't gonna get very many free eggs.  Two: On average, a chicken lays one whole egg a day.  Every single day.  Unless they're exposed to extreme temperatures or stress.
This is the Waaaaay down South, so it's pretty much always HOT in all your OUTSIDE chicken coops.  And sometimes foxes get in there and kill some or all of your chickens, leaving the survivors suffering from severe Poultry Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (P.P.T.S.D.).  I learned all that the hard way, when I was forced to start buying eggs at the store again.  Farmer fed the survivors antibiotics and antidepressants, installed a ceiling fan and a window a/c unit, motion activated night lights, burglar bars, and piped in peaceful classical music, but it was too late for that raggedy band of chickens.  They died off peacefully, of natural causes (or Xanax overdoses, hard to say, really), one by one, never a one of them laying another egg after the attack.
I want to understand the Miracle of Chicken Eggs.  Or the MAGIC of it, because it's mind boggling.
There's NO way an egg can go from nothing to the size of an EGG in 24 hours.  How long does each egg actually take?  And, if there's a READY egg every 24 hours, how many other eggs are in various stages and sizes INSIDE a chicken at any given time?
My farmer friend could not explain, but he also couldn't stop crying when he fried up that last hen for dinner that night.  I suggested we sedate a healthy laying hen and X-ray her, but that's frowned upon in the hospital for some reason.  My next idea is to find somebody (Craig's List?) willing to smuggle a sedated chicken in under their shirt and obtain a "human" abdominal X-ray.  I've had MRIs, cat scans, and X-rays before, and I've not once been asked: IS THERE ANY POULTRY UNDER YOUR SHIRT? So, if they have a problem with it, just remind them that it's really THEIR own fault for not clarifying NO POULTRY in their rules and policies.
No, we don't know how to sedate a chicken, so please don't ask us how much Benadryl or whatever.  And, we are against the kind of animal testing that might involve dropping any chicken from a very high place and performing a poultrautopsy to see how many smashed eggs are in there.  Unless we're pretty sure the chicken died of natural causes prior to the experiment.  Then, we're IN!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Your comments and opinions are always welcome. Be aware that all comments are subject to review and editing prior to appearing on the site. Keep it clean. Keep it nice. But, if you CAN'T, at least use fictional names!