Hardly Evil at All

I bet if you took all the evil people in the world and laid them end to end (but not in any dirty kind of way), you would be surprised to find that not one of them was Me.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The Eleventh Commandment was Supposed to be about Ducks.

Setting:  Before I had digital access to millions of lyrics and other data at my fingertips, which are literally the tips of my DIGITS.  I wonder if that's why they call it digital, because you use your digits to get to it.  What about digital phones, then?  Because you used more digit effort with the old rotary ones...  Maybe the person who invented DIGITAL phones lost many of HIS own digits in a ROTARY saw (Those are real.  You can buy them at Lowe's) accident.  I bet the idea, and the name, of the invention came to him while he was still all hopped up on anesthesia!  And doesn't computer programming just involve varying combinations of TWO numbers, also called digits?  My mind is playing Boggle Checkers, and currently LOSING.

If there's one thing I think we can ALL agree on, it's that it's a GOOD thing that I never did any drugs.  Although several people have wondered aloud what ME on drugs woulda looked like.

NEVER do drugs, Children!  Drugs make smart people stupid and stupid people even stoopider!

I love the song Beast of Burden by the Rolling Stones, but that one line ("I could suck a duck") always bothered me.  It raised SO many uncomfortable questions that I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answers to.

My ex-friend (that I used to carpool with sometimes when he was between cars and/or relationships) and I tried to decipher the lyrics whenever it played, because they just COULDN'T really be singing those words.  Could they?  He said NO, but he couldn't tell what the actual words were, either. 

So we played it backward to see if Paul was dead.  Kidding.  Paul was alive and well, and perpetually on tour.  Besides, I don't think CDs work that way.  What we did was push the REV button and play that line over and over until we arrived at our destination, OR until it made sense.  But, it never did. 

WHY would the idea of sucking a DUCK cross ANYbody's mind, EVER?  Do DUCKS have any suckable parts?  Do ducks have external private parts?  How do ducks mate, anyway?  Did Mick Jagger have a duck fetish?  Do other people have duck fetishes?  (Please DO NOT write in to answer that question.  I could google it myself, but I won't.)  IF a duck COULD suck another duck, how, why, and under what circumstances would such an act occur?  Are duck lips/beaks capable of sucking AT ALL?  Cause I think not. 

What was wrong with ME, for loving this song despite its inexplicable, casual bestiality reference?  Like, I sure hoped nobody told God or my Mama on me.  (Moses ran out of room on the tablet before carving The Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt NOT suck a duck.  Guess he hadn't heard about Saving the Earth by using BOTH sides when you write.  I'm quite sure God had more than enough material to justify filling up both sides of the tablet, Moses!  Way to leave YOUR own favorite things to do off THE List.)

It's like Mick was bragging to his drinking buddies.  Mick:  I'm SO overly sexual and self-confident that I could probably suck a damn DUCK if I wanted to, but I just don't happen to find ducks attractive...at this time.  (Please don't sue ME- I gave all my money to charities that pledged to protect ducks against the unwanted affection of aging, and increasingly confused, Rolling Stones fans!)

*I'm sure every person who reads this knew the whole time that the lyric turned out to innocently be: I could suck it up!  
But YOU had the advantage of having the whole entire World Wide Internet to help YOU, didn't you?  And you may have been SOBER.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Your comments and opinions are always welcome. Be aware that all comments are subject to review and editing prior to appearing on the site. Keep it clean. Keep it nice. But, if you CAN'T, at least use fictional names!