Hardly Evil at All

I bet if you took all the evil people in the world and laid them end to end (but not in any dirty kind of way), you would be surprised to find that not one of them was Me.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Officer, will you be my friend?

(As usual, all names, even wrong ones, have been changed, just in case they turn out to be right by accident)

I finally did it!  I succeeded in my plan to friend a cop so I can get out of tickets.  Whew.  And I'm not gonna share with ANY of you, so don't even ASK.

Y'all, I've LITERALLY been plotting this for YEARS, but just wasn't stalker-y enough to pull it off. 

(later that same day, when I woke up and got ready for work)

I think his name might be G-Something, last name possibly P-Something or B-Something...  Darnit.  WHY CAN'T I EVER REMEMBER THE NAMES OF MY new BESTest FRIENDS IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD??

Still not a stalker, though.  It was a purely serendipitous meeting.

You could say it all started when I got my very first speeding ticket at age sixteen, the VERY day after I got my driver's license.  But if you DID, you'd be a filthy lying liar with your pants on fire, because I was SEVENTEEN.

This part is also a True Story.
It really all started when I took care of a law enforcement person in Intensive Care a very looong time ago.  I was absolutely WONDERFUL.  Or, he could have just been happy to be alive.  Either way, he offered to fix any and all tickets for me. For EVER.
For about a year, I drove as if I had diplomatic immunity.  Speed Limit laws DO NOT apply to those of us who enjoy Diplomatic Immunity.  I ENJOY it verymuch.  They were good times.  All drive times were significantly shortened, since I didn't have to make sure I had "ticket money" in the bank every day.  Therefore, I was rarely late for work, etc.
Then, on what I now refer to as The Saddest Day of My Life, I realized that I had not only forgotten the NAME (first AND last), and TITLE of my favorite person (Officer...something or other), but even which branch of law enforcement he was involved in.  I only remember he was a regular looking white guy with (I think) brown hair.  I devoted much time trying to force myself to remember helpful details that might assist me with tracking him (or at least his NAME!) down.
The whole entire time that I remembered his name, I never ONCE got pulled over!  And I admit I was driving much faster than the posted limits.  Carefully, yes, but much, muuuuch faster.
Of course, I immediately experienced a return to my usual pattern of falling for speed traps and missing signs and getting tickets for like 46 in totally non-residential, open, extremely visible, 35 for-NO-good-reason areas.
I MISS that guy soooo much...

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