The Mystical Magicology of Marriage in Modern Times by Enchiladas Macintosh
Subtitle(hidden inside the book jacket): Make Your Marriage Work Forever and EVER, until he Eventually Kills You, and How to Ensure his Conviction Once You're No Longer Around to Testify Personally
It's a story as old as time itself: True Love that ends up being NOT! We've all been there, and most of us have managed to escape with our lives. But SOMEbody has to make the Scott Petersons of the world PAY. And that Someone is US!
A dear, sweet woman with a bee-fricking-you-T-ful baby girl recently came to us with a dilemma. After she narrowly avoided an early morning execution/electrocution by her (formerly staunchly reliable, for nearly a decade of daily use) "faulty" hair dryer, her "loving" husband presented her with a brand new one, that SAME DAY, withOUT even being asked. What to do, what to do?
Our panel of experts respond:
You can't trust "too" thoughtful these days. On the other hand, you DO need to do something about that hair. If you return the hair dryer to the store without first testing it, you could be putting a stranger's life in danger, because it will eventually be sold. And we can't yet rule out the remote possibility that this was as purported to be, an innocently kind gesture made by a man with NO current ideations of widower-bachelor-hood. We recommend that you first meticulously observe the outermost packaging for any signs of tampering. We actually recommend (and practice!) this step for every single item that appears in your home, unless you bring it in yourself. Be on the lookout for different sized strips of tape, and more than one layer of tape on any seam. When you open the box, again assess the situation visually first. If all components fit neatly and snugly in the box, you can assume it to be fresh from the factory and store, unless there is a woman involved in the plot to get you. Very few men have the skill or patience necessary to pull off the perfect "factory" re-pack, even if the success of their sinister plans rest heavily upon it.
Your next first step should be to locate the specially grounded bathroom or kitchen outlets, and push the TEST button. Then, before plugging in any electrical "gifts" for the first time, don your Equipment. Keep this equipment a secret, because the only way we know of to obtain it is via a complicated ruse that involves coordinating alibis, disguises, and get-a-way cars. Your friend propositions a lineman, causing him to get out of all his safety gear in a hurry. You grab the gear and GO, and then your friend runs for the get-a-way car as soon as she hears you honk the horn. Although the lineman is likely to be a bit angry, he won't be running very fast, barefoot in his tighty whities, as he will be at this point. Still, your preparations must include really good disguises and the use of NO NAMES whatsoever. The car can be "borrowed" OR disguised with water-soluble paint, which we saw in a movie once (no, we can't remember which movie). First stop: country car wash (water hose back of a house carefully chosen ahead of time). The paint hue should be chosen for its ability to blend in with the grass or concrete that it will end up on, rather than its aesthetic qualities.
Back to our advice about the dryer. Where were we? Ah, yes. Now that you are appropriately attired for this possibly dangerous mission, you may plug in your appliance. Good luck, and, should you survive, be sure to write back and let us know how it goes.
ALWAYS make sure SOMEONE knows where you are or where you're SUPPOSED to be!
Order Digital or Hard Copies of this (predicted to be) wildly popular marriage manual for ALL the women on your gift-giving list. It's a jam-packed Treasure, chock-full of helpful pro-active measures you can take NOW to assure the timely conviction of your spouse when you disappear, or when your body is eventually found. It is already THE top bridal shower gift of the Twenty Teens! Some excerpts follow.
The best-laid plans are OURS!
For example, and we CANNOT stress this too much, NEVER waste any of your own blood! Even the smallest paper cut can be used to plant seeds of (future) suspicion if you smear it in his trunk, preferably on the trunk fabric lining, plus on a crowbar or some other murdery items that nobody ever cleans. Any new automo-purchases should be immediately suspected as future transport devices for your remains, and should be "marked" as well. Additionally,if you get any visible blood on anything, you should be diligent about scrubbing it away, for several reasons. 1. Only a person planning a "frame-up" would be careless enough to leave visible blood around! And don't worry about leaving even bleach burns in hard to see or get-to areas, even if they were accidental. Bleach marks are particularly helpful clues because, to the CSI team, it will look like someone (you know who!) was trying hard to get rid of evidence. 2. If he gets wind about any of this, he may try to do you in JUST to PROOOVE you WRONG and win an argument for once! LET him win an argument now and then. Only you will be able to determine the safe win/lose ratio that will sustain your relationship, as well as both of your lives. However, our book does include several valuable quizzes and calculators you can use to make sure you do it RIGHT.
Chapter Two: A Look at the Pros and Cons of Various Types of Evidence
Hair is by far the most popular evidence used. It is arguably the easiest to obtain, but it is very circumstantial and, without corroborating evidence, it is highly unlikely to result in a conviction. If you can manage it without drawing attention, make sure there is always a strand or two of your own hair in his best friend's trunk. They will both be hard-pressed to come up with an answer to lines of questioning that begin like this: Sir, what was she doing in your TRUNK?
2. Nails, finger and toe
Don't throw away those gross clippings he leaves lying around! Unlike hair, these require careful preparation. They need to be dirtified and roughened up to appear they were broken off his hands during a struggle. Don't worry, the book contains detailed instructions for all prep work. Where nails are concerned, less is better. I know y'all might be tempted to use a whole bunch of them rather than waste them, but even the most naive investigator knows that it is highly unlikely for anyone to have ALL their nails ripped off in a single struggle.
NEVER WASTE IT!
As Covered in Chapter One
also elaborated on in Chapter Two:
4. Fingerprints, his and hers and theirs
Where to leave yours. (In the tire well in his best friend's trunk!)
How to obtain his in a useable format.
5. Texts and emails
Creating an electronic "paper trail" to guide the investigation.
Make Your Marriage Work book clubs for women ONLY are springing up all over the country! Joining one now is the best way to assure your own safety and/or the successful prosecution of your murderer.
We know you love him, and he's probably super hot and a lovely kisser, but he killed you, and we WILL NOT stand for that!