Hardly Evil at All

I bet if you took all the evil people in the world and laid them end to end (but not in any dirty kind of way), you would be surprised to find that not one of them was Me.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Get lost, Navvy! (I don't need YOU to help ME get lost! I happen to be somewhat of an expert at it, thankyouverymuch.)

I don't know about the rest of you, but I've had enough of the condescending, judgmental, holier-than-thou tone of my phone's Map/Navigator.  Where does she get the nerve to disrespect me like she does?!  What a colossal length of toilet paper stuck on the bottom of a stranger's shoe when they step out of the only port-a-potty at a monster truck rally/mullet festival!  (See what I did there, children?  I WANTED to use a bad word, but I CHOSE not to.)  (Actually, I went back and replaced the bad word I had previously typed.  Still counts, though!) She can't even pronounce simple words like Biloxi, Woolmarket, Gulfport, or Saucier, for Pete's sake (NOT his real name). 
True Story: Navvy hates me SO much that her favorite pastime is waiting until I'm like a mile  into a several mile stretch, concentrating on driving instead of her, and then she FORCE CLOSES, knowing good and well that it'll BE a while before I start missing her, in the form of wondering why she hasn't said anything lately.  Then we have ourselves a good laugh.  Which is another way of saying that I call her every bad word I know, plus I have to make up some on the spot because none of the words I know are QUITE descriptive enough.  Then I pull over and call a friend and ask them to have someone go outside and listen for my car horn.  Using this bizarre version of Marco Polo, I usually arrive in time to lick the leftover frosting off the paper plates before the host throws them away, providing I was already within sound range when Navvy aborted our mission and commandeered my phone to google: how to apply for a restraining order against a human.  I'm convinced "Smart" phones will soon be the downfall of civilization as we know it, and I'll bet you five bucks they use funny YouTube videos posted on their phony Facebook pages to distract us while they take over. 
I staunchly defend my rights as a consumer/driver.  Shouldn't it be up to ME if I want to take a detour, side road, scenic route, or even drive past The Secret Crack House to offer my services as a volunteer, or to see what my extended family is up to these days?  Why does she sound all huffy when she has to recalculate?  Am I keeping her from something better?  Hot date?  Her other job as the worst phone sex operator in the world?  In THIS economy, and with HER attitude, I think she should appreciate that she even HAS a job!  Hey, Navvy:  When we're in the car, I am the BOSS of you.  Go back and read your official Job Description if you don't believe me.
I have to admit that Navvy has inspired me, though.  I've developed an app targeted to people like me, those special people who refuse to waste their brain's gifts on mundane trivia (directions, phone numbers, their kids' birthdays-you get the picture) and tasks that they can delegate to an electronic assistant.
My app is called Hotter/Colder™, and it's very easy to use.  Just make sure someone you know is already where you want to end up, and that their phone's location is findable to yours.  Simply text: TAKE ME TO (their name or number here) to the app, put your phone on speaker and your car in drive!  You can confidently lay your phone down until you get there, something you could NEVER do with Navvy.
Your friendly NEW navigator will respond to your ever-changing global position with helpful hints and affirmations instead of directions, and he'll do this in whatever accent you choose, with Sexy Australian being the default voice.  Specifically, he will say HOTTER or COLDER until you arrive at your destination.  Every once in a while, he'll throw in a sincere sounding compliment about your appearance, taste in music, cooking, or driving skills.  I like to run Navvy in the background to make her jealous of all the attention I'm getting from the new guy.  She HATES that. 
This app is so great that you'll WANT to take the long way, just so you can spend more time with him!  Also, you don't even wanna KNOW how much the fine is for blowing your horn non-stop for twenty minutes, after nine, within city limits.     

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