(As usual, it all started on the Facebook...)
Dear Fellow Pot(ter) Heads:
*Please remind me if I'm a muggle or a huckle-puff, or what! I'm DEFINITELY NOT one of those snaky things, and I WILL be needing some decent powers, or I'm not playing! And also I'd like an all black costume with hidden Spanx slimming materials underneath! And super-cute comfortable boots.
No! I changed my mind-INVISIBLE foot protection so I can do the popular barefoot Hot Coals Walk in super-slow motion and put it on YouTube so everybody in the Whole World will know that I'm the BADDEST B.A. of them all, and then all my enemies will tremble in fear, begging me to spare their lives (and their faces!), and I'll be all: Maybe... What are y'all gonna do for Me and MY Fambly and Friends? And then I'll base my actions on their responses.
So, considering the preceding information about me, WHAT does that make me in the Potter World?
*Surprise announcement alert!* *Surprise announcement alert!*
SURPRISE ANNOUNCEMENT that nobody saw coming: I'm finally ready to give in and join the craze and PLAY the Potter Game, so long as I don't have to read those crazy-long books or watch those movies that last longer than most presidential terms.
FullTime: I don't know anything about Harry Potter, except what NineToFive posts on FB & Pinterest.
Enchiladas: Me, too, FullTime! I just thought I'd try the Dark Side for a change!
NineToFive: You can't PLAY at being a PotterHead. You either ARE or you aren't. I'm sorry, Enchiladas, but you are merely a muggle who happens to have 3 very magical daughters. Be very proud of that.
Enchiladas: Oh, so just because I want a super awesome costume and a couple of simple powers, I can't be in your CLUB? It's Muddle School all over again!
NineToFive: lol... you can still be in it. You just have to be a PotterHead.
Enchiladas: Too little, too late, Chuckles!
I guess I have no other option. I'm making my own "Hotter than Potter" club now! And no one is allowed unless I say so. Our applicants must each pass a grueling obstacle course and an even more grueling psychological exam in order to even be allowed to LOOK at an application for possible membership.
And, here's the best part: OUR club has FIELD TRIPS! Lots and lots of Field Trips! Take that, Harry!
P.S. You can still be in it, NineToFive, because I love you, and I'll be the one grading the tests!
FullTime: Okay what am I in Potter Speak?
Enchiladas: I feel obligated to admit (as if it weren't obvious already) that I'm briskly unqualified to answer this, FullTime, but I'm gonna say you're probably a Muggle-Puff like me! I think those are the BEST! Plus, Muggle-Puffs together are even much BESTER than Muggle-Puffs alone!
FullTime: So, What is a Muggle anyway?
Enchiladas: Briskly= why auto correct put a word I've NEVER USED ON THIS PHONE in place of GROSSLY, I'll never figger out!
However, NineToFive, you're up. Answer FullTime's question, please, because I can't.
(silence from NineToFive)
(more silence from NineToFive)
Enchiladas: Oh, well, we'll just concentrate on our Hotter than Potter club instead.
Our Hotter than Potter club is Blood in and Blood out, like I overheard in a movie I wasn't really watching, unless they meant something violent by that phrase instead of just that all members must be old enough to understand by personal experience what "that time of the month" is all about.
And COOKIES are MANDATORY!
Plus, once a year, on the most un-holy night of the year, as predicted by local weather celebrity Palm Reader, there shall be built an enormous bonfire during which we sacrifice all the pagan raisin cookies we've been given and that we've been saving all year long for just this occasion! Be careful not to inhale while dancing around the blaze. The fumes created by burning raisins are known to be the most toxic of all the common dried fruits.
NineToFive: I'm sorry that I missed most of this conversation yesterday. I was extremely busy at work. It is an endless job here at the Ministry of Magic. But things have slowed down now. Enchiladas, I would LOVE to be in your club. And Im not excluding you from Potter world. I would love for you to be a fellow PotterHead!
Enchiladas: Great! I'll start working on the Pledge and outfits immediately. Preliminary uniform idea: long or short sleeve Ts, with removable cloaks. The cloak itself has to be easily removable for all those times we will have to pretend to make it disappear!
NineToFive: We could just get indivisible cloaks.
Enchiladas: WHY didn't I think of THAT? Yes!! And I betcha we can buy Justice for All at the same outlet store that sells INDIVISIBLE Cloaks! Welcome! You will receive your Secret Hotter than Potter Alias soon.
*I've been keeping busy avoiding most of the things I'm supposed to be doing in Real Life, but I should be able to check in again soon, IF my electronic devices can handle all the magicalism they are currently being forced to deal with.
NineToFive: I will be eagerly awaiting my post. I'm very proud to be under consideration for club membership, but I'm not too keen on the name so far.
Enchiladas: That's only because I haven't TOLD you what YOUR name is yet! You're gonna £ove it! The names will be bestowed at the "meeting" (location top-secret, AND undisclosed). Undisclosed means: you will be picked up (at an undisclosed time), blindfolded, and taken to the undisclosed location, where you will be expected to blindfoldedly prepare a feast for existing members.
By the way, Our shirts are probably going to say
HOTTER (in FLAMES on the front)
THAN (insert picture of George Ohr)
On the back! (because of copyright laws)
(more time passes uneventfully)
NineToFive: The nargles are all in a fuss with mistletoe season right around the corner. — with KLaundry.
FullTime: Do nargles not like Christmas? Muggle-Puffs like Christmas. A LOT!
KLaundry: Lol clearly this girl is a muggle if she doesn't know what a nargle is.
NineToFive: lmao ... she IS a muggle. FullTime, nargles live in mistletoe.
Enchiladas: There's NO WAY Nargles can build houses out of mistletoe! I took a Botany course at the junior college and the professor (who looked exactly like Colonel Sanders) said even EGGPLANT (which I raised one of almost all by myself, for a grade, nourishing it daily with banana peels from my lunch) makes for better shelter building material than mistletoe does!
Ummm, wait, it wasn't eggplant-it was zucchini. Story still applies, though!
NineToFive: I'm sure your professor was a muggle.
Enchiladas: Well, he DID marry a student!
NineToFive: That just makes him a perve .
Enchiladas: She was elderly. They both were! It was at the COMMUNITY college! And it's NOT like he married a different student every YEAR!
Enchiladas: Hold on a minute, NineToFive, are you insinuating now that MUGGLES are PERVES???