Hardly Evil at All

I bet if you took all the evil people in the world and laid them end to end (but not in any dirty kind of way), you would be surprised to find that not one of them was Me.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

American Civil War Version 2.0

It's waaaay PAST time for us "Normals" to stand up and speak out (by liking or sharing on Facebook, of course!).
American Civil War Version 2.0 is coming soon, and it ain't gonna be pretty, y'all.  It ain't gonna be pretty at all.
Background (for those Rip Van Winkles among you):
This isn't a new problem, but it is growing exponentially every year.  This conflict is dividing families around dinner tables (meaning: McDonald's and, in the case of this economy's "wealthy" families- the Olive Garden), our nation's very FUTURE, as they ride to and from school in giant government machines made of steel, yellow paint, hard seats, and (now) CONFLICT!  Employees who carpool to work are arriving with their clothes ripped to shreds and their hair all a mess (and it's not because they were doing what some of you are probably thinking they were doing!  Sheesh, America- read a book that isn't about sex for a change!  They STILL exist; you just have to look.).  Drivers are screaming at each other at the longer red lights, begging for a little common courtesy.  When that courtesy is not forthcoming, I've seen NUNS, on their way to teach at the private schools, put their kickstands down and reach right into open car windows and beat those rude AHs senseless with their wooden rulers.  Nuns, people!  Nuns!  THAT's what this country is coming to!  An X-Mas apocalypse like none ANY of you have ever imagined, and some of you have VERY active imaginations (Kudos on that, by the way!).
The origin of this "war" between Normals and the "Others" originates not with Religion, the Christmas holiday itself, nor even with its associated music.  Something just went terribly wrong along the way.  Somebody (henceforth I will be referring to this individual simply as SatanHisOwnSelf, with NO offense intended to anyone whose ACTUAL name happens to be SATANHISOWNSELF; I chose the name randomly, I swear) decided that the easiest way to get society to willingly take religion out of Christmas once and for all would be to drown the citizens via a system of flooding the airways for an ENTIRE MONTH (the month the holiday actually occurs in) with nothing but the music associated with said holiday.  Also, all advertisements would be required to feature the seasonal music. This would surely cause such mass nausea and complaints that the "problem" would solve itself!
But, uht-oh, December (and Christmas with it) came and went.  And, for the most part, the people seemed to LOVE it!
Then SatanHisOwnSelf, in his hideout made entirely of RedHots candies, said to his ownself, somewhat grinchily: Well, crap on a fat-free cracker!  Whut to do, whut to do... And he spent the next eleven months plotting and planning and watching the original How the Grinch Stole Christmas movie over and over for pointers.
So came the next November 1st, and SatanHisOwnSelf brushed his best tooth, put on his best suit and plenty of that Axe spray (because he saw those ads, just like all those teenage boys did, and thought to himself, just like all those teenage boys did: Hey, just because I'm 99.9% pure evil doesn't mean I can't get lucky every now and then, right?) He went to the Annual National Radio Station Format Planning Executives Convention (that's a thing, right?), and gave the Power Point Presentation that he'd worked so hard to prepare.  His execution was flawless, even more flawless than an air-brushed supermodel in the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit issue.  SatanHisOwnSelf received the first standing ovation he'd ever gotten without having to threaten an audience with eternal damnation or the gout.  No one noticed the three single tears that dripped from his burning red eyes, and evaporated immediately due to his natural heat.
That very day, those radio dons mandated that December 1st was no longer early enough; Christmas music should monopolize the airways the very day after Thanksgiving!  This would coincide with the traditional Black Friday Mayhem Sales!  Yes, only GOOD could come from this!  The citizens would be pacified into a sweet Christmasy coma, by force,thus inducing peace and goodwill behavior, and giving cops and crime reporters time to do their own shopping and time to attend their own parties!  Good times were coming, and EVERbody was gonna be happy.
Danged if another year didn't pass on by.  Black Friday started being called RED Friday because of all the blood being spilled during the madness ensuing as shoppers who paid retail for cigarettes and the highest quality cocaine on a daily basis trampled disabled newborn babies to get to the $20 DVRs. 
Appalled at the violence, SatanHisOwnSelf returned to speak again.  Maybe, just maybe, if the Christmas lullabies started the day after Hallowe'en, the pacification would be in its peak effectiveness in time to prevent the now-traditional blood-baths of Red and Black Friday.
As for SatanHisOwnSelf, he has given up entirely on America, and returned to his RedHots Fortress of Cinnamony Deliciousness, where he lives quite peacefully with the one woman in the world who can stand the smell of all that Axe!  They live, laugh, and love, and enjoy Christmas music for exactly ONE week per year, just as Nature intended.
Now that SatanHisOwnSelf has given up, it's up to us Normals to fight this.  Please join me in explaining to celebrities that NO ONE EXCEPT THEIR GRANNY wants to hear THEIR VERSION of ANY of the TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS SONGS! 
ATTENTION RADIO STATIONS:  We'd rather have NO RADIO AT ALL (literally, even if we have to remove it manually with whatever tools we can find in our purses, glove boxes, and trunks) than hear the same twenty-two songs ALL DAY LONG!  It does NOT count as a DIFFERENT song, just because this time it's Justin Timberlake or Glance Bass!  There are truly some wonderful songs available that could break up the monotony and help lower the suicide rates at this time of year.  You cannot convince me that the music barrage is not partially responsible for that!
So, I'm calling on radio stations to PLEASE, for the love of GOD, stop driving these people to suicide!  Ball's in your court now, Radio.  Let's see how far you'll go to save Lifes.
The whole world is watching.  Your move, sir, your move.

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