The Miracle of the Panties *Written by: Anonymous, Whose Parents are Alive AND Literate, and Could Easily Find Their Way to This Site, if Someone Ever Tells Them About the Internets.

WARNING:  This is not the GOOD kind of miracle.

I'm not a marksman with a gun or a bow and arrow, and I don't mean to brag, but I have a pretty fair handle on where my vagina is.  (No, not LITERALLY, although one could probably purchase such an accessory if one chose to do so, which I do NOT.)
So, HOW is it possible for one's period to end up EVERYWHERE except on the PAD?
Pads are supposed to be technologically advanced now.  I don't think they are even available without super-absorbency powers and "wings" for "all around" protection. 
Y'all know that AS SEEN ON TV pad, the one you can put on the kitchen counter (with no panty back-up crew of any kind, not even a paper towel in sight), pour a half gallon of Windex on it, pick it up and hold it upside-down, and STILL no blue dye gets ANYWHERE but on the pad?  No drips, no dribbles, no muss, no fuss.  THAT'S what I want in a pad!
We can send a man to the moon (again, as soon as NASA raises enough money), but we can't send a woman, because it'd be a bitch and a half to rinse blood out of one of those space suits.

Hang on- Maybe it's because it's a Canadian company.  Maybe vaginas work differently there.

Dear Canadian Feminine Hygiene Products Manufacturers:

With all due respect, American Vaginas shouldn't have to take classes in order to use your products.
Sincerely,
America

P.S. Don't even bother sending us coupons or samples, unless you want a really strange and gross kind of Boston Tea Party Re-Enactment on your conscience, if you have one.