Not me, the skeleton in a bottle. Doesn't he look like maybe he's a stand-up comedian gesturing after a sweet punchline?
Can you be a stand-up comedian if you cannot, technically, stand? Can we get an ADA ruling on job titles, because I'm quite certain I've seen this in real life. The comedian sitting down thing, I mean, not Jerry Skeletonfield in a bottle, sitting down, wondering if that thing is even on.
We just road tripped (1500 miles) our firstborn to college. If I remember correctly (and believe me, I will write the part of Me much better in my autopseudobiography), what she wanted to be when she grew up was, "taller than Mommy." (We quit asking that question.) Good job, Princess. Now, go do that at college.
Daughter in the Middle's early elementary (Isn't this the group traditionally known and appreciated for their capacity for over the top, tritely praiseful, to the point of occasionally blatantly untrue, sentiments in the pursuit of declaring their love for, and attempting to garner the favor of, the adults most present in their lives?) Mother's Day project for, and about, me included the phrase, "and a pinch of mean." Honesty is a family value that, when taught early and well, will end up teaching you a thing or two back. Probably two.
Baby's earliest voiced career aspirations ("Awww." Silently congratulates self. "My baby admires me so much she wants to be just like me. I must be pretty great after all.") turned out to be based entirely on a desire to "sleep all day," which is a real option for grave shift healthcare workers, but not so much for traditional teachers, librarians, etc.
Maybe a good family is just bad enough to make adult kids want to leave, and/or just good enough to make those same adult children want to come back and visit later.
Well. Just solved the inevitable Empty Nest Crisis.
It sure was smart of me to have the foresight to plan my offspring to be two years apart in school.
Number One starts college this fall. I simply go with her for the first year! If all is satisfactory, I return "home" for one year. Number Two starts college. I go with HER for one year. Rinse and repeat one more time.
Foolproof. Or, is it "approved by/for fools?" (Always get those mixed up.)
*Inspired by the book, Nobody's Mother is in Second Grade, by Robin Pulver
One time I was holding court (enthralling whilst educating) on my children with frank education and discussion about a common thread on the TV detective shows we love. Specifically, I was explaining why the initial primary suspect in a woman's murder was the male partner. Again. Always. Always.
"It's because in Real Life, ninety percent of the time when a woman dies, it's the husband who did it!" (pause for effect) Then (slowly and clearly, to ensure they understood the magnitude of this shocking true statistic), "Ninety percent of women are killed by their partners or former partners."
"You mean ninety percent of murdered women, right, Mommy?"
Details, details.
Just another reason it's probably for the best that I didn't officially homeschool them after all.
We laughed for a while, considering together the hilarious hypothetical implications. Legions of hundred year old men being removed in handcuffs from hospitals and funeral homes following the demise of their also hundred year old wives who succumbed to heart attacks, strokes, and other natural causes.
Oh, children, thine ability to appreciate humor in even its most macabre and inappropriate forms doth astound me. Stay you forever.
How to Survive the Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse
By J.McAllister, for The Spear Head newspaper, 2013
What will you do if the zombie apocalypse breaks out today- tomorrow-or next week?
In the event of a zombie outbreak, statistically speaking, most of you will either die or become a member of the undead right off the bat. No offense, that’s just how it is. But a lucky few of you will be able to survive and even thrive in a new undead world… If you know what you’re doing of course.
How many of you have seen Warm Bodies? Yeah, it’s a good movie (if you like love stories)… but let’s face it: a zombie apocalypse will probably be more Walking Dead style. “Oh,” you ask, “How then do I survive the dreadful, dreadful horror that will descend on me when the zombies rise?” Well, thank you for asking.
Imagine: The zombie apocalypse has arrived and everyone is in a panic. Where do you go? What do you do? How will you survive?
Most people’s first instinct will be to stock up on food, water, and other supplies. Where have we all gone for those things before? The stores. The bigger the better: Winn-Dixie, Target, Wal-Mart. That’s where we have grown up knowing: They have whatever we need. So here’s you first rule: AVOID the stores. Don’t even think about considering the possibility of going anywhere near a shopping center. The first reaction of our consumer driven society will be to shop, so these places will be packed with people. Zombies, as it turns out, are attracted to the places with the most people. So wherever there are large crowds, there will be zombies. And it only takes one zombie to spread the infection, or a group to surround a store and trap hundreds inside indefinitely. So if you don’t have supplies of your own, smaller, family owned, stores will be able to provide you with the basics: water (lots and lots and lots of it), canned foods (don’t forget the opener), and dried/ packaged foods (think granola bars and dried fruit). Dairy products, fruits, and vegetables are good for only a limited amount of time before they spoil, so if you do stock up on them, make sure you only get what you can use; the rest will just go to waste. What works for us in the Southern states in the case of a zombie invasion are hurricane supplies. Most likely, everyone has at least a small stash of bottled water and canned and packaged food along with batteries, flashlights, candles, matches and wood. Everything that can be used during a hurricane will be vitally important during the zombie apocalypse.
So now you have supplies… but where do you go with them? If you’re in the city part of d’Iberville or Biloxi. Get out. Zombies will swarm to where people are and there is a higher concentration of people in the city and the subdivisions surrounding it. If possible, the best case scenario would be to find a place in the woods, easily defendable and with clear escape routes. But, let’s be honest, you’ll probably be stuck at your house with your family, friends or neighbors.
How do you now protect yourself in your home? You board up windows and block entrances. If you’re house is hurricane or tornado proof, then your already a step ahead! Whatever you do, do NOT, under any circumstances, stay in the basement. Basements might seem like the safest place to store your supplies or hide, but if zombies do break through your defenses, you’ll be trapped with no escape. Special consideration is made for two-story homes. You should keep your stockpile of food and supplies on the second floor and prepare to demolish the staircase if zombies show up. You’ll be safe, but you’ll also be trapped if zombies surround you. Always make sure you have an easy escape route from anywhere in the house.
You might even be at school when the apocalypse breaks out. As a hurricane shelter, d’Iberville High School is easily defendable and stocked with supplies. The only problem is that, as a shelter, more people will run here for help than can be supported. And if someone is bitten, and hides it, the shelter becomes a death trap as the infection quickly spreads through the inside as well as the outside. Strict measures will have to be enacted to prevent a catastrophe like this from occurring, but even the most fool-proof plans somehow have a way of falling apart.
Home, school, other shelter, always be sure you can defend yourself from your position. Don’t go running off killing zombies because you’ve seen ALL of the Walking Dead. You’ll be the first to turn and we’ll miss you terribly… until you try to eat us. Most of us, who have no clue how to fight at all will be more adept at hiding and running than actually fighting off the threat. But there might be an instance where you will be required to defend yourself or your family or friends from the undead. How will you go about defending against zombies? Remember, short hair and tight clothes will keep zombies from grabbing you and consequently spreading the infection. You might think you need a gun to “kill” zombies, but that’s not so! ANYTHING can be used to smash a zombie’s head or decapitate it. Just make sure to destroy it’s brain stem. It takes a very good shot to incapacitate a zombie because only a direct hit to the head will even affect it. An amateur shot will just waste valuable ammunition.
If you do end up “killing” a zombie, you have to properly dispose of the body. Be sure to wear gloves and a mask at all times when handling the undead corpse to avoid the spread of infection. Burning is the only way to completely destroy a zombie, but be sure to only burn during the day when you’ll be able to spot zombies and defend yourself better.
So now that you’re successfully freaked out, you can prepare for the upcoming apocalypse before it actually happens. You can stockpile supplies and plan escape routes. You can start a defense plan and research more than was provided for you here. Once the zombies rise, you’ll be ready… I’ll be hiding under my bed.
Once the zombies rise, you’ll be ready. Maybe you’ll see me… I’ll be the one trying to eat your brains.
*This original article by J. McAllister was first published in The Spear Head newspaper
They're surprisingly big and full when they fall, aren't they? Tonight's tears escape one enormous drop at a time, each full from original grief and longing, each now filled past bursting before visibly and audibly splashing from our faces.
The tears are not bigger because of growing sadness (really, I think I'm on to something), but because for many, many years, the associated love continues to grow... How does that even happen? It can't be possible, yet we see, hear, and feel the proof for ourselves.
The years and tears are absolutely crowded with all kinds of enormous moments. Moments when we knew she'd be so proud, moments she'd share our joy like only she could, moments she would let us cry to her, dry our tears, cry with us, care with us... as only she would.
What if... Who knows in what ways our lives, and we ourselves, might be different? We can really only try to imagine, and we do, using those dreams we have sometimes as a starting place.
If asked, most of us won't need to pause before relating just one instance of how she enriched our lives in a way that endures. Some of us could tell those stories for hours, and have, on more than one occasion.
I wonder how many of us measure ourselves by her example. I always fall so short, do you? But I think I will keep trying anyway, will you?
Dear Martha Stewart,
HELP!!!
Approximately 32 bazillion (a little over half a container) of these "glass seed beads" spilled between the bed and nightstand.
My question is, how long do I have to prepare- before the crops start coming in? Also, now that I've become a Reluctant Bead Farmer, do I have to water them, or will they automatically absorb the correct amount of moisture from the environment?
Sincerely,
A Reluctant Bead Farmer
P.S. PLEASE tell me that these are the kind of beads that grow on neatly harvest-able vines!!!
How Hunters Accidentally Created a Gatherer: The True* Story of the Goats of Christmas Past
*Although I'm pretty sure it wasn't actually Christmas, I AM one hundred percent certain it was goats.
It's kind of too late now, seeing as how G1 is off to college later this year. I am quickly running out of opportunities to casually instill not-quite-normal "totally normal" ideas, habits, and traditions in my group of captive (so to speak), susceptible, highly moldable, human specimens. Because it will make their adult lives more interesting.
Thanks a lot, Father Time, for bringing it up again, really. "Happy" New Year, Time Daddy!
P.S. This is kind of why that nursing home you are headed for is gonna suck.
(Also? Apparently, I'm not allowed to guest host Sunday School anymore.)
Teen Daughter (while battling auto correct on iPhone): Every time I write POEM, it turns into PORN!
Me (and this is why I need that "delay" feature between brain and voice): The same thing happens to me when I draw.
Find out who you are before somebody else decides for you. Instincts are not accidental. They are a protective mechanism. They may not always be easy to understand; they may sometimes be wrong. But they should never be ignored. Don't trust any person who agrees with you ALL the time. No matter what is happening, it can always get better, or worse. Sometimes it's up to you. Sometimes it's not. You can practice kindness without allowing others to treat you like a doormat. It is hard to respect others if you don't like and respect yourself first. Don't keep your good works secret. Learn to inspire others without bragging. No one on Earth is perfect, but each has something to teach you, even if the lesson is what NOT to do.
Smile at babies! Maybe there's a Smile Bank in our brains. Your freely given smile may be a crucial investment in a child's future emotional, behavioral, and mental health. Never be too busy to take hold of a hand that reaches for yours. Always say WHO' S THERE, no matter how many times you've heard the same knock-knock jokes. Say thank you to compliments. Don't point out your flaws. You are neither the Most nor Least Important Person in the World- but you are IMPORTANT, and what you do and say and feel MATTER.
He went out on a cookie run before his gig. We each chose one type of cookie. Chunky chocolate chip (me), Oreo (Whodunit), and iced oatmeal (Ponytail).
Later, Ponytail admitted that their fondness for oatmeal cookies has nothing to do with their taste (a taste they know I don't like).
"You don't have the same experience attached to them that we do," she explained.
"When we were little, we would spend lots of time with PawPaw, and he would always share his oatmeal cookies with us while we watched westerns together. Those are very happy memories."
Used "Navvy" to tell me which 3 exits to take to get my child to a nearby city, and me back home. She did okay.
Sent and received several brief text messages.
Caught up with the small group of fabulous people in my virtual circle of friends (commonly known as "facebooking").
Tried to figure out how Ebay works. Downloaded the app. It didn't help.
Shared these "music" videos with children.
The Adventures of One Eskimo chapter one, music by One Eskimo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scD4PKZrx-Y&feature=youtube_gdata_player
The Zombie Song, by Stephanie Mabey
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPNqub966Tw&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Watched this favorite song video again. Storm, by Adrianne Gonzales
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dfgOGOAkII&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Watched and shared this music video with lyrics: Just Give Me a Reason, by Pink
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gwx4iTRLXG8&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Sorted my YouTube "watch later" and "favorites" folders into applicable playlists. In order to give #CSpireLies the benefit of the doubt, I have to suppose they have arrived at the only logical conclusion: That I alone possess the power to watch and process an entire 2 to 15 minute YouTube video in the 3 seconds it actually takes other people to click on the video and then place it in the appropriate playlist.
Yes, #CSpireLies believes I watched each video, in its entirety, at a speed only second to the speed of light. They tallied up all the data they believed I had unfairly accessed (with my secret powers), and initiated punitive measures intended to discourage me from further allegiance with the Dark Side. Makes perfect sense. It was really only a matter of time before #CSpireLies figured me out.
No matter how many times the hostages beg #CSpireLies to elaborate, as we vainly attempt to comply like the good little Stockholmers we so desperately want to be, #CSpireLies refuses to provide us with numbers or words that mean anything remotely useable.
The closest to an explanation that #CSpireLies provides is repeating a statement to the effect that "Unlimited" means they will slow down your data speed only if you use "high amounts" of data.
#CSpireLies needs a dictionary. Their definition of unlimited is eerily similar to the definition of pornography (as per Booth on the TV program, Bones): they'll know it when they see it! Happy stalking, #CSpireLies!
If knowledge is power, #CSpireLies is hoarding its kryptonite, depriving us of access to the collective knowledge of this "modern" age, while continuing to extract exorbitant amounts of meaningless "protection" fees.
What if hostages refused to continue paying #CSpireLies for the privilege? What if those same hostages pooled those fees and retained a group of attorneys to initiate a class-action suit against #CSpireLies? What if this movement were already in progress, #CSpireLies?
Times are tough all over, #CSpireLies. As for the downtrodden peasants who "like" you on facebook? Once y'all learn how to read, #CSpireLies, I believe you will find history is absolutely resplendent with examples of just how much peasants love a good villain!
#CSpireLies believes they are not bound by the laws of fair business practice. Let them know that they are.
P.S. And, if anybody reading this knows anyone at #CSpireLies (above the rank of powerless Customer "Service" Representative), for the love of anything that is still holy, please, PLEASE, give them a dictionary.
#CSpireLies FOREVER!
#CSpireLies text received at 0257:
Your data speed has been reduced until 08/03/2013. Use Wi-Fi when available to avoid reduced data speeds. Thank you for choosing C Spire.
My texts:
#1. It already IS 08/03/2013. Thank you very much for disturbing my household at 3 o'clock in the morning, #CSpireLies, in order to deliver further proof that there is not one dictionary in the entirety of the #CSpireLies cellular service hostage organization.
#2. What EXACTLY is your problem, #CSpireLies? I use LESS data than anybody I know. Your cryptic harassment remains unacceptable. Furthermore, please STOP CONTACTING ME in the middle of the NIGHT. Perhaps your employees would appreciate the same treatment your customers enjoy. #CSpireLies FOREVER
#3. The new Untrustworthiness Pyramid has been released. #CSpireLies has edged ahead of Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Pehlps Jr.
Congratulations, #CSpireLies!
#4. Please GO AWAY, inevitable #CSpireLies representative "responding" to my text. #CSpireLies started it. I did NOT. Please refer to previous #s 1 through 3. DO NOT further disturb my family in the middle of the NIGHT with a follow-up text, no matter how well-intended. #CSpireLies FOREVER
*: Thank you for contacting Csprie Wireless, This is *, How may I assist you?
Sent via Personalized Wireless
(Me? I simply re-sent #4. )
Commentary
I WAS exhausted, and ready for sleep. Now, thanks to #CSpireLies, I'm exhausted, FED UP, and MAD. These bizarre practices of #CSpireLies MUST stop.
I don't know if I should bring the baby tiger tooth back and demand that my food be replaced, or list it on Ebay or Craig's List!
Anybody know how much tiger teeth go for these days??
For Sale: One beautiful baby tiger tooth, good condition (baby tiger not included).
Would look lovely on a necklace for that special Someone (male and/or female)!
Alternatively, it could be ground into powder for aphrodisiac purposes.
Serious inquiries only, please.
I was just looking for a specific pant. Thanks to Six Degrees of China, I got so much more.
These are real, cut & pasted item descriptions, exactly as found today. (and that's ME talking in the parentheses)
Retro Single-Breasted High Waist Narrow Feet Pants Denim Women's
(You probably think this is a one-strap overall. You're wrong. It's jeans.)
Stylish Flower Decorated Broken Hole Hot Pants Women's Denim Shorts
(Excuse me, miss, do you have anything that will make these darn broken holes look stylish?)
Double-Breasted High Waist Jeans Women's Pencil Pants
(Finally! A pant that will accommodate even the most extremely sagging bosoms!)
(Just when I thought the fun was over, BAM!)
Casual Slimming Fit Flanging Ripped Women's Skinny Jeans
(Damn, girl. Them jeans are FLANGin'!)
(This is NOT a link to naked pictures!)
http://www.everbuying.com/Wholesale-Chinese-Women-Undressing.html
(I told you it wasn't!)
Korean style white jeans female beggar pants trousers slim style hole points
(There are about a hundred pictures of a skinny girl wearing these pants. I hope proceeds go for homeless relief, and maybe a sandwich for that poor girl.)
Interesting Electronic Remote Control Mouse Toy for Trick/Playing with Cat (Brown)
(Sure, brown cats like it. But is it interesting enough for my much smarter yellow cat?)
Lovely Robotic Hungry Eating Dog Coin Piggy Bank
(Is it a lovely, hungry, bank shaped like a pig that eats dogcoins? Whatever the actual product turns out to be, there's at least one good, free bonus, Haiku in it.)
Silicone Pumping Toilet Stand Holder for Mobile Phone/MP4/iPhone 5/4S/4 - Green
(Looks like a standard bathroom plunger to me. Use it to hold your phone while you use the bathroom, and leave it handy, to make yuck go down when it don't want to.)
Me: Didn't buy a thing. Still the most satisfying online shopping experience EVER.
(in the minivan a few nights ago)
Daughter #1 (age 17): What are Quakers?
ME: ?
#1: I took an online test about which religion best suits me.
ME (following momentary confusion involving Pilgrims, the Amish, Luddites, and Mennonites; explanation provided entirely with information gleaned from watching Six Feet Under): Mostly, I think they just gather to think good thoughts and sing songs such as C'mon, people, now, smile on your brother. Peace, meditation and, basically, yoga class, but with fewer yoga pants. Except that would be naked yoga class, and that might NOT be such a great thing. Forget about the yoga!
Daughter #2 (age 15, my clone-child): I took that test, too.
ME: (?)
#2: Satanism!
ME: JEEsus, Ponytail! You couldn't make a stop at Wicca?! Or even Christian Science! HOW do you go straight to Satanism? You're a freaking VEGETARIAN, for godsake! Whut the HELL?!
WANTED: Violence-free, vegetarian religion that embraces the zombie/vampire/Hogwarts cultures. No mandatory services, outfits, chanting, costumes, or tithing. And we still get to celebrate any and every holiday or occasion that we feel like, even the ones we totally made up.
