2012 in True Moments/Stories (that we're not particularly proud of)

I'll go first, since I'm the professional here. 
*Fell asleep WHILE eating a cup of Moollenium Crunch Ice Cream.  Vaguely remember waking up several times, REALIZING what I had done, and then alternating my sleep-attempts to clean up with my (apparently stronger) sleep-attempts to FINISH the ice cream.  I mean, even asleep, I maintain a very strong commitment to NEVER WASTING ICE CREAM.
King-sized bed covered with pecans, chocolate chunks, melted ice cream.  Also caught in the crossfire were: cell phone,TV remote, notebook, NetBook, THREE extension cords, electric blanket, books... Moral of the Story? I don't want to be remembered as the woman whose cause of death was:  Electrocution due to falling asleep while eating Moollenium Crunch ice cream, and simultaneously breaking nearly every electrical (and "other") safety recommendation ever made.

The (original)H.I.T. Squad

*This was previously written due to the discovery that I had developed a new condition (currently un-funded, un-researched, and definitely un-resolved) that I would prolly call Insomnia with Inappropriate Somnalist Characteristics, except that I CAN'T officially name it that because my "smart" phone won't acknowledge or offer spelling suggestions for the second word, which I'm pretty sure is a REAL word, because I'm SLEEPY, not STOOOPID!
Anyway, SAVE IT to read every time you can't sleep!  It will most likely cure your own insomnia FOREVER!
*If only I could solve my own problems as easily and effortlessly as I can fix the problems of the rest of the world*

The (original)H.I.T. Squad

Can't sleep?
Apply to be a charter member of the Heroic Insomniacs Team!
Join the H.I.T. squad tonight, and sleep better...or...not... whatever...no guarantees or anything.
We have LOTS of ideas about what you could or should be doing with all those otherwise WASTED hours! 
Watch pig races!  (Alternately, raise and race pigs yourself! It's fun, probably.)
Search out sad, lonely, even unfortunate-looking, losers on facebook and give them either a ray of hope and sunshine in their lives or at least an interesting cyber-stalker story to tell!
Tweet!  As in, on Twitter.  Does it really matter if no one reads your tweets?  No, it does not.  If a tree tweeted in the forest, it still would have tweeted, right?  (ANSWER: yes, of course! Unless the tree was LYING, and trying to take credit for the noise a BIRD made, which just goes to show you that Trees cannot be trusted!)
Stalk, and then befriend a cop.  Then, introduce me to that new friend and then I'll have a cop friend, just what I've ALWAYS wanted!
(Happy *EVERY HOLIDAY*, Me!)

P.S. We're only tired because 2% of the people in the world are responsible for 99% of its great ideas and awesomeness!

A Dear Juan Letter

Dear Juan,
Thank you so much for taking good care of my Pedro yesterday.  Do you have ANY idea how many times I've had to leave work early to stitch a finger or toe back on that man?!    
I do believe that his first English words (after: I love you, Will you marry me?& Do you know how Green Cards work?) were: Help! Please! I believe I have severed one or more phalanges! Yes, of course he said phalanges, because he's EDUCATED, just accident prone.
With loving friendship,
Enchiladas

Arson should be illegal, and it probably is.

Well, Shell-Frie, YOU don't get to tell ME who I can and canNOT threaten on Facebook! At least, not if you still want that Amateur Arson Kit I'm making you for Christmas. P.S. For anyone who's interested in purchasing one of these kits from me, OR if you are the Police, let me assure y'all that it's not a REAL arson kit, just a novelty type decorative gift with absolutely NO capacity whatSOever of creating a single spark, much less an act of ACTUAL arson, which is both morally wrong AND highly illegal in most parts of the United States, even in the WaaaaayDownSouth! Additionally, even though it's COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY, we include a quite powerful fire extinguisher in every kit! Also included: an assortment of one hundred reminder magnets and post-its to place all around your home. They fit in beautifully with most home decor, and feature the number to 911, so you'll be ready in case you are the type to panic when you need the number! We do NOT provide smoke detectors. That is YOUR own responsibility as a consenting adult. Unless you aren't an adult in the first place. We REFUSE to sell to minors, on principle. On second thought, if you ever experience a REAL fire threat, FIRST grab the nearest post-it or magnet on your way out of your house or tent! Unless you're nekkid, in which case grab the closest thing to cover up with first. If you're single and looking, always wear flattering lingerie to bed, just in case, but particularly if you have a "premonition" that you may need rescuing at any particular time. There are even Fire Fighter Pimp Specialists (no, not THAT kind of pimp) who can somehow manage to obtain the work shift schedules for your local fire department, with quite reasonable fees, or so I've heard. Obviously the best time for these "premonitions" is when your favorite's on the truck! Invest in those real firefighter calendars (local ones). And, should you be planning a move, check the firefighter situation before investing any money on it. I'm too sleepy now to go all back to the beginning and remember why I wrote this. Good day to you all, sirs and madams. And Good NIGHT to Me.