Hardly Evil at All

I bet if you took all the evil people in the world and laid them end to end (but not in any dirty kind of way), you would be surprised to find that not one of them was Me.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

The Morning Ponytail Broke Her Neck and Had To Stay Home From School. [A.K.A. The Chain of Events That Eventually Led to the CERVIX versus CERVICAL Spine Discussion]

5:30 am
As soon as I got this urgent text message, I knew Thursday was gonna be a great day.

Ponytail:  I was lying in bed, turned my head, and my neck popped or something. Now i feel like i'm gonna throw up but i can't even sit up it hurts so much

I guess "retirement" doesn't apply at home.  And Mommy can have a "sick" day only if nobody needs her.  I struggled to my feet (through a severe exacerbation of my own back pain), and rushed to assess my child's injury.

My 15 year-old angel's door was locked.  Of COURSE it was.  This is the very same girl responsible for our former ALWAYS KNOCK, BUT DO NOT LOCK bathroom policy because she fell asleep in the bath TWO nights in a row when she was in kindergarten!  (That was the most terrified I've ever been in my life, pounding on a door, knowing my child was in a tub full of water, and NOT responding to my yelling and banging, forcing me to consider whether it might be faster to try to physically break down the door, or look for a tool or key.)

And, now, at 15, she tearfully explained through her bedroom door that it hurt too bad to even TRY to get up to unlock it, so I yelled to ask Whodunit and Sweat Pants where the "key" was. 
Answer: Lost.  Of COURSE it was lost.  Why do I bother asking questions?  I was directed to the secret lock-picking kit (small sized bobby pin-who knew? Everybody but ME, apparently).

I picked that lock like a PRO!  (PROUD!) 
Note to Law Enforcement and/or Confidential Informants: That was the first and only time I have ever, and will ever attempt to pick a lock.  Actually, it's none of your business, though, because I'm pretty sure it's legal to pick anything you want in the privacy of your own home.  Although, we ARE renting, so we may be in a smudgy gray area that applies solely to our specific renter/landlord agreement, so why don't you just take a few steps back, get your exercise on (y'all DO look like you've been working out! Yum! *insert wolf whistle here!), and stroll down the street to see if the Boss Lady of the Neighborhood got her pool permits properly approved before starting her project and leave innocent people like me alone unless I'm on fire.  K?  Bye.

Ponytail's room is the hottest room in the house.  Any house.  I am uncontestedly the hottest person in the world (in the sense that, with the invention or discovery of just the right filters, in one day, I could provide the water supply for an entire small village for a whole week!  Not even Mother Teresa could do that, and they made her a SAINT!).  Although this could eventually be life-changing and world-saving, these elements have never combined well for me in Real Life.

Ponytail's bed is placed diagonally from the farthest corner, so the foot is nearest the door, and the location of the injury is the hardest place to navigate to in the room.  I made it there and gave her a towel to help with tears and tear byproducts (non-offensive word meaning snot).

I assessed for confusion, circulation, sensation and equal movement, as I asked about event/s leading up to this.  All my answers were satisfactory, so I assessed her next.
I assisted her to a more neutral, supine position and gently felt her neck. 
I did some minor education about the importance of cervical spinal alignment, and gently helped her to sit up, assuring her that her neck was not actually, technically, broken.

Very, very gently, I massaged her neck and explained our treatment plan.  She was able to stand and walk to the bathroom without difficulty as I prepared the sofa.

I sacrificed my new heating pad and lumbar pillow (because I didn't know where my special cervical pillow was), and set her up on one of the recliner ends on the sofa.

Set heating pad to lowest setting, which was kind of exciting, since I've never set one to LOW before, and wrapped it around the lumbar pillow and inside a pillow case.
After positioning the patient and providing OTC meds for pain and nausea, I texted the regimen details to her, as well as the details of when more meds could be taken.  I returned to bed, realllllly missing my heating pad.

A neck crick can be very painful, but we didn't need to get any doctors involved, so this was a success!  I already have the best back and neck books, so we were able to just hermit in for the rest of the day.
See, like I said at the beginning, great day!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Your comments and opinions are always welcome. Be aware that all comments are subject to review and editing prior to appearing on the site. Keep it clean. Keep it nice. But, if you CAN'T, at least use fictional names!