Hardly Evil at All

I bet if you took all the evil people in the world and laid them end to end (but not in any dirty kind of way), you would be surprised to find that not one of them was Me.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Going to bed; goodnight, Facebook (late entry)

Just wanna let everybody know that I'm going to bed, and I thought I should apologize for not updating y'all yesterday, so I'm gonna do it now.
Well now, let's see...

EVERY SINGLE THING THAT I THOUGHT, FELT, ATE OR DRANK, OR DID TODAY, as expressed via facebook status updates, had I been responsible and posted AS the day happened.

The FIRST thing I thought of when I woke up this morning was:  Coffee! I MAY have specified which specific Starbucks item I was craving, but since I'm updating late, I can't be sure.

Then, I was all: effing TRAFFIC.

Oh, yeah, PARADES!  Guess I'll be late to work.  Thanks a LOT, Saint Patrick!

Sooooo hungry.  Only thing I had today was that giant muffin.  WHY doesn't Taco Bell deliver?

Effin traffic again!

To all the fat, stupid idiots in line at McDonald's:  PUT DOWN that Super-Sized Heart Attack Combo, and walk, run, or drive to the nearest gym!  You're welcome.
(My turn, FINALLY!) Yes, I'd like the Triple Bypass Heart Attack Combo with the SUPER-Super-Sized McPaddy Green Shake, to go.  And, um, throw in one of them McSalads, because I am VERY health conscious (and I don't have ANY vegetables at home, but there's no reason THEY need to know that).

Yummy!  You can really taste the green!

Effin traffic!!  NOW I got green milk shake all over my favorite white work pants!  I'm snapping a picture of your license plate, Buddy.  Everybody knows the car in front is supposed to gun it through the yellow light, allowing ONE MORE car (in this case-MINE) through the intersection!  When you slam on your breaks, you cause a chain reaction of slammers on breaks, ending in messy chaos!  You can expect a dry cleaning bill or a summons to appear in front of Judge Judy, if she still has a TV show.

My emergency backup pants are snug.  I never knew sweat pants could SHRINK.  Must be due to the extreme humidity in the Soufth.  (Note to self: replace all emergency clothing items with very roomy, very stretchy fabrics that can withstand the humidity.)

Why does Work Time pass so sloooowly, while Real Time flies like a double oh seven jet?

I hate my job.  It's so boring, I sometimes fall asleep right in the middle of board meetings.  That actually happened a few minutes ago.  It's okay, though, because I found a doctor who filled out both Americans with Disabilities Act AND FMLA papers to cover my "Narcolepsy" disorder AND my Tourette's syndrome!  I know, right?  Best doctor EVER!  No, you can't have the name or number.

None of my so-called friends are playing Words with Friends today.  On to the online Poker tables.  Mama's feeling lucky!

Browsing through the profiles of all the losers listed on Match.com.  Realize that I'M the BEST catch on the entire site.  Thinking of switching over to e-harmony.

Lol!  Hilarious cat pictures and videos!  Oh, yeah, brace yourself Facebook, because it's SHARE time!  Because there's no such thing as "too much" when it comes to cats on Facebook!

The intellectual in me is hankering for a chance to appreciate legitimate literature, so I head on over to the Second City Network YouTube channel for modern-day takes on Shakespeare's classics.  That's right.  The Sassy Gay Friend videos are waaaay more insightful, and much less tragic, than Old William's plays.  They're funny AND they make you think!  Dash off quick, professional email to the State Department of Education suggesting the substitution.  Pros: relevancy, interestingness, brevity, drastically lower drop-out and suicide rates among people and teens who watch The Sassy Gay Friend instead of reading W. Shakespeare.

Whoa.  I think I just singlehandedly solved America's  education crisis, AND maybe even saved some lives.  This is deep.  Wonder which flavor of instant frozen daiquiri best accompanies the sweeeeet taste of brilliance, success, and those teensy little Reese's peanut butter cups that come unwrapped in the little bags.  Mini fridge under my desk empty except for strawberry, so strawberry it is. 

In a sudden fit of self-confident, domestic nostalgia, I head over to Pinterest for ideas for dinner.  There's just too much.  HOW DO PEOPLE MAKE THEIR FOOD LOOK SO PRETTY ON CAMERA??  Are they the David Copperfield of Cuisine?  Because I'm more like the David Blaine of city sidewalk cookery, in that I could probably pull dinner out of my sleeve or my shoe, but nobody is gonna want to TASTE my sleeve or shoe food, not even me!
I'm overwhelmed and sobbing openly now, and there's empty "Capri Sun" packets all over the office, and strawberry daiquiri in the cracks of my keyboard.  I'm a human being, Internet!  I deserve better than this!  I cancel my Pinterest account, and feel better immediately.  I never knew how to pronounce the word anyway.  I go all Phil McGraw and take charge of my dinner and my life by deciding to go with a Hot Pocket and a bag salad.  Will post a picture of my dinner on Instagram, like I did with my Green Shake earlier, because I know how much my friends like to see proof that I'm eating and not wasting away.

Come ON, five o'clock!

It's five-thirty.  I have either gotta learn how to read a non-digital clock, or find somebody who knows how to set my cell phone alarm for me.

Yay!  On my way home for a relaxing evening (Futurama & a lot more Capri Suns!) in a hot bath.

Checking in at the grocery (a.k.a. liquor) store for "dinner" ingredients.

Drive to The Secret Crack House, as part of my Neighborhood Watch and humanitarian volunteer duties.

(six hours later)
Took a taxi home because I couldn't find my keys.  Sometimes the "bouncer" at The Secret Crack House holds onto your keys until you can prove you are not under the influence of anything other than regular peer pressure.  He's like the Mount Everett of bouncers.  He is un-defeated.
Couldn't remember where I hide my hide-a-key, so I curled up on the porch swing and went to sleep until the bright midday sun woke me up.
Oh, yeah, my extra house key is in the secret key rock, which I have been hiding under my welcome mat (and tripping over!) for the last 8 years.

Stumble inside, in search of a shower and COFFEE, not necessarily in that order.

Then, I lather, rinse, repeat, nap, and update my fb status accordingly, pretty much word for word, every day of my life.

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