Hardly Evil at All

I bet if you took all the evil people in the world and laid them end to end (but not in any dirty kind of way), you would be surprised to find that not one of them was Me.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

I don't know WHY Juan was in search of the exotic creatures I'd never heard of, but I tried to help anyway, because I'm a good friend of his and all, of course.

Meet the devil at the Crossroads (the one with Belk and Pet Smart-it's in Gulfport) at the witching hour (you'll have to use Google if you don't already know what time that is, because I don't know, either).  Last time I was s'posed to meet him, he'd scrawled NOBODY STANDS UP THE LORD OF EVIL (all caps) in what appeared to be blood, across the parking lot. He tweeted the same, as a warning to others not to screw up their one and only chance by being late!  What a monkey-sack Satan can be when he's on his period!  Don't try to make an appointment.  He doesn't take appointments. He's ALWAYS at the Crossroads at the witching hour.  I personally think he's stalking somebody that works that shift. Brush up on your Satanity first by watching Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny, Little Nicky, and the second season of Barney (it MUST be the bootleg, UNedited version).  Following him on Twitter is another way to catch on to one of his "mood swings" before it has the chance to affect your well-being. He'll usually start by challenging you to a fiddling (with violins) contest, but you can negotiate that down to a Drum-Off if you already have your own equipment there and set up, and offer to let him borry it when it's his turn. Then the two of you calmly discuss the terms of your competition.   Bring a Notary Public, an attorney you can trust (but wouldn't necessarily MISS if they are accidentally incinerated) and your prepared contract with every detail spelled out.  Do NOTHING until you obtain his legal signature!  If there's ONE thing I know for sure about the devil, it's that he ALWAYS be looking for a loophole!  He didn't earn the nick: SneakySneaky by chance. Oh, and Juan, make sure before you go this far that those weird worms you want are worth the risk! P.S. Disregard ALL that helpful advice I just gave you!  I had totally forgotten for a moment that you've got the devil on your speed dial.  Just text him!
Good luck to you and tell the devil Enchiladas says: heeeeeyy!

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