Hardly Evil at All

I bet if you took all the evil people in the world and laid them end to end (but not in any dirty kind of way), you would be surprised to find that not one of them was Me.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Hot Bath or Hot (edible) Meal? Because you ain't gettin' both today!

I SO wish I could pretend today's the first time this kind of thing has happened to me..
Doesn't everbody just love taking hot baths, playing on their phone, and listening to their favorite music fairly loudly, and having their BREAKFAST/DINNER hot from the oven when they get out?  I thought SO!  Oh, and I meant when you get out of the bathtub, not when YOU get out of the OVEN!  Y'all crazy!
Y'all know how you let some of the water out and add more hot to "refresh" the water as it cools off, and all the while you're risking possible death by electrocution by using an extension cord to run both your Phone or tablet AND your speakers as you're busily checking your email and fb pages and catching up on whut-all everbody else has got going on, and whether the corporation your job is owned by is being investigated for fraud and whut-not, and if anybody you know has died and/or been arrested lately?  Also, whether any of the inventions you've been designing  have already BEEN invented so you don't waste your time, and your Dad's time, welding machine, and blow torch re-inventing the wheel.
And eventually you remember that your smoke detectors are not currently operable, and that your tub is somewhat sealed off by not just one, but TWO, tightly closed doors, and that friendly neighbors, malicious sanitation guys, Mormons or Jehovah's Witnesses (no offense intended, they are just more likely than Baptists and Catholics to happen to be canvassing your neighborhood at any given time), your local door to door crack salesman, or ANYBODY at all, (because your front door leads right into the kitchen area AND is made up of like 50% unfrosted glass panels, which, of course is why you cain't walk around the house nekkid no more when you're alone and you really should've done the laundry WEEKS ago, and the laundry room is on the same route) might notice smoke or fire a looong time before YOU do, and call the fire department because they don't have your number (and also you never even set a ringtone because you NEVER use the phone for actual TALKING out loud anymore, and it's on Perma-Silent, a ringtone name I JUST invented- BIG shout-out to adult onset ADHD! And a giant YOU'RE WELCOME to the Whole Entire Rest of the World!), your music (lovely taste in music, by the way) is far too loud to hear a doorbell or knocking. Worst case scenario: DEATH!  Duh.
But much more likely scenario: your cast iron skillet full of lovingly prepared yellow grits and scrambled eggs  has turned into something else entirely:  Yellow Grits and Egg Bread Patty Cake Omelet Thing.  If you cain't eat it, you must destroy it, or disguise it so that the one who cared enough to make it never knows you ruined it.

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